


Love is Blind

by Anonymous



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Louis, Cheating Fic, Famous Harry, M/M, Non-Famous Louis Tomlinson, Top Harry, famous/non-famous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:35:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25100992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 17
Kudos: 201
Collections: Anonymous





	Love is Blind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theendofjune](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theendofjune/gifts).



**March 10 th\- Day 1/42 **

Louis’ eyes are heavy when he first tries opening them to the light breaking through the curtains across the room. However long he slept the night before wasn’t long enough, allowing himself to drift in and out of consciousness to the steady, deep breaths behind him. Eventually, the breaths slow to a more regular pattern meaning Louis is no longer the only one awake. He knows it for sure when he feels his boyfriend dip the bed to come nuzzle closer and breathe him in.

The cool tip of Harry’s nose wakes up the skin behind Louis’ ear, down his neck, and finally his left shoulder. His lips are much warmer and yet they still leave a trail of goosebumps in every place they touch. Louis’ body responds in an instant to all of the attention, his skin heating up and his stomach fluttering to life as his boyfriend sucks a deep bruise into the side of his neck. A mark that size will stick around for days; a week at least. About the average amount of time it takes Louis to become completely pathetic and start missing him whenever he goes away.

Goodbye never gets any easier, though it has been a big part of their relationship for the two and a half years they’ve been together. It won’t be easy today either when Harry hops on yet another plane to go halfway across the world for his promo tour that was supposed to happen three weeks from now, but it is what it is. The album release got bumped up by his label and naturally, so did everything else. And sure, Louis could waste his time being angry at the change of plans that ruined the holiday they finally planned for just the two of them. He could be angry about a lot of things, but it’s not worth it. Not when they’ll be apart for more than a month. Six weeks isn’t the longest amount of time they’ve had to go without physically seeing each other, but six weeks is still a long time. Too long in Louis’ opinion. So, rather than pouting about the distance or picking a fight over something mostly out of their control, Louis is going to take advantage of what little time they have left and appreciate the luxury of waking up in the same time zone.

They did a fair amount of goodbye-ing last night. That’s why Louis is so tired this morning, and yet, he’s still hardening up again just like Harry is where his hips and erection are flush to Louis’ bum.

He pushes back onto Harry when he’s so hard that he can’t stay still any longer, reveling in the sharp gasp it pulls from Harry and how fast Harry abandons his side of the bed when Louis kicks away the duvet and rolls onto his stomach in invitation. Harry’s finger trails from the top of his spine to the swell of Louis’ bum where Harry presses an experimental finger inside of him with relative ease. Louis could’ve told him that he doesn’t need to be fingered open much. He’s still delightfully sore from last night, though that doesn’t stop Louis from grabbing their bottle of lube off the bedside table and passing it over his shoulder.

Louis braces himself for the shock of the cool liquid against his skin but he gasps all the same, moaning on the exhale as Harry presses a line of kisses down his back. Louis’ lungs are temporarily void of air once Harry slicks himself up and starts fucking him. It’s almost too much with Harry’s hands laced over top of his and his ragged breaths on the back of Louis’ neck intermingled with the sweat starting to dampen their skin. 

“Fuck, I love you so much,” Harry whispers sending more goosebumps down his body.

“I- I love you too,” Louis manages to choke out between well-aimed thrusts pushing him closer to the edge by the second.

“I don’t want to go,” he confesses next. “I want to stay with you.”

Louis wants that too. He wants it so much that just the thought of being able to wake up next to him and do this every morning has him ready to burst.

It doesn’t take much after that. All Harry has to do is say how much he’s going to miss him and how good Louis feels every day that he’s gone, and Louis is coming so hard his eyes water. His whole body is tingly after Harry comes and they’re both too drained to move. Their lips still manage to find one another once they come back down to Earth.

They’re side by side again giving Louis a perfect view of his boyfriend’s perfect green eyes and his beyond perfect smile. For a moment, Louis forgets all about the tour, Harry’s flight in a few hours, and how much it sucks to be here without him whenever he’s gone. Louis ignores all of it to focus on just the two of them, right here and right now and they’ve made it through everything; all the tours, the albums, and arguments that have nearly led them to call it quits a couple of times.

They never actually have called it quits of course. No fight has ever been or ever will be big enough. And, plus, they love each other far too much for that. The same goes for distance. No amount that Harry’s job puts between them could ever make them give up on each other. Of course, that doesn’t mean Louis always has to _like_ being apart from him for so long and for so much out of the year. He fucking hates it, but he loves Harry and the sweet way he’s currently looking at Louis more so he refrains from griping about it. Again. 

Eventually, they force themselves out of bed to start their days. Harry grabs his trainers from his suitcase pile for a quick jog while Louis heads to the kitchen in search of caffeine. He grabs the largest mug he can find and fills it to the brim with coffee. He sips it over the island, looking out over the garden that’s finally starting to look alive again now that spring is around the corner. It’s a little hard right now to feel excited about warmer days and nights when he’ll be the only one here enjoying them. He’ll still have his friends and his family around, so things won’t be too awful, but they also won’t be the same. Whenever Harry is away for long periods of time it is like half of Louis is missing, but he’s gotten pretty good at managing it. He simply reminds himself each day that no matter where in the world his boyfriend ends up, his final and most important destination is home. When he thinks about it that way, he knows goodbye is really just ‘see you soon’.

By the time Harry is back from his run, Louis is done with his coffee and making Harry his usual going away breakfast full of all his favorites. The back door of the house opens and closes and seconds later a pair of big, familiar hands wrap around Louis from behind. Louis pushes away from the island and melts back into the hold and the soft kisses being pressed to his neck. Neither of them have showered yet, so Louis’ isn’t too bothered by how sweaty Harry is right now. In fact, he’s more than fine with it when Harry’s warm hands move from over his stomach to massage his sleep-tight neck and shoulders. Louis’ night was pretty restless as a whole due to all of his anxious tossing and turning. However, any tension he has melts away as Harry continues to rub out all his knots and kinks.

“Better?” Harry whispers so close that his lips brush the shell of Louis’ ear. It sends little chills tingling down his spine that only become more powerful when he feels Harry getting so hard behind him that he’s prodding Louis in the bum. 

They’ve got breakfast on the table and Harry’s due at the airport soon. They don’t have much time left to waste today, but even so, Harry drops to his knees and gently coaxes him open with his tongue. It feels so good that Louis doesn’t mention their food getting cold or that Harry still has a few things he needs to pack for his trip. He says nothing, allowing Harry to turn him around and blow him until he’s coming down Harry’s throat with a broken whine.

That’s five orgasms in less than twenty-four hours. That’s a lot for a typical weekend in their relationship but pretty normal as far as the day before touring goes. It’s always like Harry is trying to make up for the fact that he’s leaving. Like, if Louis is distracted and sated and happy enough before he goes, then he won’t notice. Of course, that’s never the case. They could have sex a million times and Louis would still miss him. He knows Harry will miss him too because his eyes are pained from the moment he stands up from the kitchen floor to the moment he finally kisses Louis goodbye in the middle of Heathrow and promises to hurry back as soon as possible.

In many ways, the drive back home is better than the drive there because at least now there’s nobody to put on a brave face for. His boyfriend just left, he won’t be back for more than a month, and it’s okay for Louis to feel a little sad about it, or even a lot sad about it. He’s even allowed to switch the radio to another station when his boyfriend’s newest single comes on because proudly singing along just doesn’t feel as good in the middle of a car pout.

He feels better by the time he gets home and he knows that by now, Harry, his band, and his team are in the air and officially Japan bound. He’ll be out of contact for the next fourteen hours so Louis will call and check on him later this evening. For now, Louis is starving and can’t wait to dig into the breakfast they hardly touched since they were running a bit behind.

Louis is just reheating the French toast and bacon and pouring himself another mug of coffee when his ears pick up on someone knocking at the front door. It’s barely even ten o’clock so Louis has no idea what anyone could want with him this early. He assumes it’s just someone who has gotten turned around, or an overzealous fan coming to say hi. Both instances have been known to happen, but when Louis opens the door the only person standing there is Harry’s best friend, Sam, holding a bottle of champagne in one hand and a container of orange juice in the other.

“He wasn’t into having a going away party this time, so I’m bringing the party to him,” Sam declares with his tired eyes and his sandy curls looking a little worse for wear.

Knowing Sam, he probably hasn’t even been to sleep yet. Any time they all go out together, he’s the person encouraging everyone to have just one more drink or go to one more club. Harry can be just as excitable which is why he and Sam have gotten along since the day they met at the studio when Sam’s father was working as one of the producers on Harry’s first album. The two of them hang out less now that Harry isn’t single anymore and he has been so busy with album number two. And unfortunately for Sam, he and Harry are about to hangout even less because the person he just came here to see off, is already gone.

“Sorry, mate, but you just missed him,” Louis informs him, wincing a bit when Sam’s excitement level goes from one hundred to zero almost immediately.

“Damn. Seriously? I thought he was leaving at noon?”

“Nine. I actually just dropped him off,” Louis winces again because Sam is clearly disappointed he didn’t get to say goodbye to his friend over mimosas like he wanted to. 

“I’ll actually miss that bastard,” he mumbles, but his thin smirk is at odds with it. “I stole this champagne from VIP just for him. It’s vintage. Now, what am I supposed to do with it?”

Louis isn’t sure. He could always pop it in six weeks when Harry returns. Or, if he’s not planning on holding onto it, Louis’ got a full breakfast in the kitchen that would pair wonderfully with it.

“Hungry?” Louis asks, making Sam’s left eyebrow raise in interest.

“Starving. Why do you ask?”

“Well, if you’re willing to share, then so am I. I’ve got enough bacon and French toast for two.”

“You and Harry didn’t want it?”

“No time,” Louis explains with a shrug. “Busy morning.”

Sam gives Louis’ unshowered, messy appearance a once over before sporting a knowing grin. “I bet.”

Louis rolls his eyes, not even bothering to try and hide the love bites on his neck that he’s sure are a dark purple hue by now. “Shut up. Do you want free bacon or not?” He and Sam hang out all the time, but it’s usually with Harry and the rest of their friend group. They’ve spent very little time together by themselves, but that doesn’t mean they can’t do it more often. It might even be kind of nice to get to know each other better. And, with Harry gone, they’re both pretty much left to their own devices on a Saturday morning so they might as well miss him together.

“Alright, then,” Sam agrees. “I’m on mimosa duty. I make great ones. And by great, I mean _strong_.”

From all the stories Louis has heard of his and Harry’s wild nights, he’s sure strong is probably an understatement.

“Oh, I’d expect nothing less,” Louis snorts, widening the door for Sam to follow him inside.

\---

Louis met Harry on a Tuesday afternoon when he should’ve been in his office drowning in emails for the publishing company he’d just started working for, and world-famous popstar Harry Styles should’ve been anywhere besides some nondescript coffee shop where Louis’ boss randomly decided to send him for a midday caffeine run.

Under normal circumstances, neither of them would have even been there. If Harry’s photoshoot hadn’t been cancelled at the last minute, he would have spent the day locked away in some studio instead of reaching for the large café mocha that technically belonged to Louis since he ordered it first. Louis had a pretty good idea of who the tall, green-eyed man was, and also why he was wearing an oversized hoodie that didn’t do much to conceal the big dimpled-smile Louis had seen all over billboards and the covers of magazines.

The fact that actual Harry Styles tried to nick his coffee order made the mix-up more hilarious than anything else. It also felt a little like puzzle pieces sliding into place because long after they’d received their respective orders, the two of them were still standing there chatting and shamelessly flirting with one another.

As far as unbelievable days go, Louis certainly had one because he left the coffee shop with Harry Styles’ phone number and very clear instructions to use it if he ever wanted to mix-up coffee orders on purpose. Louis took him up on that offer not even five minutes later on his way back to work, letting Harry know he’d be very interested in mixing up their orders, but instead of coffee, they should maybe try dinner this time. And, that was it; the beginning of everything. ~~~~

They did try dinner that evening and every evening after it for weeks until the time came when Harry’s album required him to leave London to go tour it. Louis figured that would be the end of things since their quazi-relationship was already so unlikely. The most Louis had hoped for was a mutual friendship between two adults who come from two very different worlds. But, little did he know, those worlds were about to collide in a way that would change their lives. They both knew it wouldn’t be easy choosing one another. The best things in life never are, but they knew it would be worth it. And so, Louis cashed out all his holiday time at work, packed a few bags, and went with Harry. It was the biggest gamble of his life following a popstar whom he’d known a month around the world, but it was the right choice and they fell in love. It was like they were living in a dream, but the thing about dreams is that at some point, you have to wake up.

\---

**_March 16 th – Day 6/42 _ **

The coffee shop Louis ducks into is packed which is to be expected for a Friday afternoon. Louis would think that by now his boss would realize her café mochas are more lukewarm than steaming hot whenever she sends Louis out during lunchtime. But, it’s not Louis’ job to point that out. It is also not Louis’ job to explain to Harry’s fans how bizarre it is to be stared at which has never bothered Louis too much. Getting recognized from time to time kind of just goes with the territory of dating someone like Harry. However, it has been happening more than usual since Harry has been gone for nearly a week and isn’t gallivanting around the city to interact with his own fans. Still, it never fails to catch Louis off guard.

Louis reaches for his boss’ coffee order when it’s ready and when he turns around with it in hand, three pairs of heavily made-up eyes light up with recognition. The girls look rather nervous as they smile at Louis, so Louis smiles back before turning to duck out of the coffee shop. He only makes it a few steps away before he’s stopped by one of the girls calling his name.

“Louis? You are Louis, right?”

He stops mid-stride, finding all three of them smiling even brighter at him when he turns around.

“Er... Yep. That’s me,” Louis answers, noting the phone in the blonde’s hand whose flowery pink phone case has his boyfriends’ face on it. “What’s up?” he asks though he already has a pretty good idea since Harry’s fans are harmless. They just really love him, and if anybody in the world gets that, it’s Louis. Louis just isn’t so keen on being one of their connections to him.

“Hi, um, we’re so sorry to bother you but-” the one with long dark curls apologizes before the darker blonde with short hair cuts in.

“We just wanted to say hi and that Harry’s new album is amazing. It’s his best one yet.”

All three girls seem to agree as they take turns telling Louis all the things they enjoy about his boyfriend’s music and the impact it makes. It’s what everyone says about Harry’s music and Harry himself. He’s incredible and people love him so much that they don’t even have to meet him. They’ll settle for just gushing about him to anybody who will listen. Again, Louis can relate.

Louis’ not sure what to say back to her and her friends besides what he always says to fans who happen to know who he is.

“That’s incredibly kind of you,” Louis grins in response to three of Harry’s biggest fans. “He worked really hard on this one, so I know he’d be happy to hear that.” _If_ he were here right now and not five-thousand miles away in Japan. Or is he in Australia already? He switches time zones so frequently during promo tours that sometimes it’s hard for Louis to keep everything straight. No. Definitely Australia. “I’ll be sure to pass that along the moment I speak to him,” he promises, not mentioning his uncertainty about when exactly that might be. 

The girls don’t follow him out of the coffee shop when he leaves, but Louis’ relief is short-lived because no sooner does he step through the door is he recognized again. Only this time, Louis knows the pair of light caramel eyes that light up at the sight of him.

“Louis!” Sam beams, seemingly unbothered by the fact that his toes were just stepped on and he nearly got a café mocha to the chest. 

“Shit. Sorry,” Louis apologizes but Sam just shrugs and waves him off.

“No, don’t apologize. I should’ve been looking too,” he grins. And, well. Yeah. They both should’ve been paying more attention, Louis guesses.

“Well... I’m kind of on the clock at the moment, so,” Louis explains with a glance down at his boss’ coffee getting cooler by the minute. “Nice bumping into you?” he jokes, but doesn’t get too far before he’s stopped again.

“So, you bored yet? Finding things to keep you busy while the boyfriend’s away?”

Sam’s ever-present mischievous grin is still in place, but his eyes are sincere as he politely holds open the door for the couple walking into the coffee shop. He lets the door close behind them rather than following them in, his attention still on Louis who figured his questions were more rhetorical.

“Uh... Yeah, I’m good. I haven’t been up to much. Just working mostly.” But Louis does that even when Harry is here. It’s the main reason Louis didn’t tag along for the tour. It would be silly to use up all his holiday time to pop in during a six-week stint when Harry’s world tour is going to span most of the year.

“Right. So, bored then,” he teases, his grin turning to a full-on smirk when he pulls a grin out of Louis and he fondly rolls his eyes.

“Some people actually get enjoyment out of working, you know. Being an active member of society and all that.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard,” Sam chuckles. “Sounds awful.”

“Well, sadly, we all can’t be born the only child of a big-time music producer,” Louis teases back.

“No, but, fortunately, those who can’t have the talent of being set for life by pulling a rich, international popstar.”

Louis clears his throat to alleviate the sudden discomfort he feels anytime someone talks about his relationship with Harry like some sort of career or financial plan. He doesn’t fucking like it. He especially doesn’t like what it implies about him as a person. Louis loves Harry for Harry, nothing else.

“I’m sorry, Lou. I didn’t mean-”

“It’s fine,” Louis says with a tight grin. It’s not the first time he has heard it. He’s sure it won’t be the last. “Well, I should go. I have that job that I use to support myself when my living, breathing wallet is gone, so.”

That had as much sting as Louis was aiming for because Sam winces even harder. “Shit. Louis, you know I don’t actually think you’re using him. It was a joke. A really dumb joke I shouldn’t have even said because it wasn’t funny.” No, it wasn’t, but at least Sam seems to realize this. “Let me make it up to you with lunch tomorrow or a pint when you’re bored one day? Please, please, please?”

Louis isn’t one to forgive very easily. His mother always said holding a grudge is one of his worst traits. But, there’s something genuine about how hopeful Sam looks as he’s begging for a second chance. In Sam’s defense, he has never said or done anything like this before. Louis has known him almost as long as he has known Harry and they have never had an issue. It would be silly to start now after all this time.

“Fine. I’ll take the pint,” Louis agrees, making Sam do a victorious fist pump.

“Okay! Great! Just text me and let me know when you’re free!”

“You mean when I’m bored enough without my rich and talented popstar,” Louis quips, feeling quite victorious himself when Sam’s sheepish face flushes to light pink.

“Two pints then since I was such a prick. And chips.”

That’s more like it.

His boss’ coffee is just barely passing for tepid by the time he makes it back to work. Louis blames his delay on the afternoon rush at the coffee shop rather than his run-in with Sam or the impromptu chat he had with some of Harry’s fans. Louis didn’t really mind either interaction. Despite Sam’s sense of humor that sometimes borders on rude, it was actually kind of nice to see a familiar face. And, even though Louis knows the three girls he met would’ve much preferred crossing paths with Harry today, they were pretty nice to talk with as well. Mostly, Louis liked the way they were genuine while chatting to him instead of eyeing him with that weird, hopeful sort of longing that feels almost envious because, for some reason, out of everyone, Harry picked him.

Louis can see why he’s considered so lucky because he also considers himself lucky to have someone so beautiful inside and out; someone who loves Louis just as unconditionally. What he and Harry have together is so special, but it’s not all fairytales and magic like people assume it is. He and Harry are two people just trying to figure it all out just like everyone else, but that’s not the side of their relationship the world sees. Yes, they love one another more than anything, and yes, being with Harry Styles has its perks because he’s fucking Harry Styles, but people don’t see the other side of dating one of the world’s biggest stars; the side that is constant judgment and criticism because according to everyone on the outside, Louis _must_ be using him somehow; the side that’s less red carpet and more red, tired eyes from restless nights trying to maintain a healthy relationship across different schedules and time zones.

That’s the situation they’re facing right now while Harry’s off on his six-week promo tour that was originally only supposed to last for a month and got bumped up a whole three weeks early. That’s the way it always seems to go so Louis wasn’t surprised when Harry let him know he’d be gone longer and sooner than they had planned. That meant they’d have to put their holiday on hold yet again. But, it’s not like Louis didn’t know that would be the case considering the sheer scale of this second album compared to the last.

A bigger album means bigger promotion, more country-hopping, and longer stays in those countries. That means less time for home which will only dwindle more when the actual tour starts in a few months, resuming the never-ending cycle of globetrotting. He can’t blame Harry though. His music means the world to him and most of his year is organized by his label that builds in breaks along the way, but, somehow, there never seems to be enough of them. That’s the part of all this that sucks the most. Just missing him so much, especially when he’s so busy that even phone calls become sparse.

But, it’s okay because they’ve done this plenty of times before. It’s never easy to get through. It’s always going to be hard, but they will always get through it. They promised each other long ago that they would.

Regardless of their problems which aren’t even really problems, just thinking about Harry makes Louis miss him more so he checks his phone in hopes of something from his boyfriend to let him know he misses Louis too.

He’s not hoping for much because although it’s only lunchtime in London, it’s already midnight in Australia, but at least he knows Harry was thinking about him before he went to bed when he opens Harry’s text and finds a picture of his hotel room overlooking the night ocean with a caption that reads _‘Wish you were here. Can’t wait to finally get to take our holiday together somewhere even more beautiful. Love you Xx’._

Louis wishes he were there too. Actually, he’d pass on the beach holiday and the five-star view just to have Harry here. Hell, he’d even settle for a FaceTime date longer than ten minutes, but that’s a conversation for another time when Harry isn’t exhausted from a fourteen-hour workday and when Louis is feeling much less sorry for himself.

_‘Me too, H. Love you, goodnight Xx’._

**March 19 th – Day 9/42**

When Louis wakes up three days later, his arm reaches out for a phantom person because his brain still hasn’t fully caught up to the fact that Harry is gone. That happens a lot. Last year Louis actually took the time to add it all up; performances, awards shows, travel days, promotion, photoshoots, and even a bloody war film that Harry decided to do left him with eighty-six totally work-free days. Out of an entire year, they slept together in their shared flat just eighty-six times which sounds awful when they’re all lumped together like that. It’s even worse when considering the other two-hundred-seventy-nine nights they slept apart. Having more time to be Harry the boyfriend, son, and brother rather than Harry Styles the popstar is the main reason Harry asked his label to incorporate more time off this go around. However, they’re already not off to a great start by not honoring the original schedule they all agreed to.

Never mind all that though, because today, Louis refuses to feel sorry for himself. Today, he chooses optimism rather than letting their distance send him into a downward spiral of longing.

Determined to prove to himself just how positively he’s going to view things today, Louis unlocks his phone, scrolls through his camera roll to the night they fucked backstage at an awards show and again at the afterparty, and he has a proper wank to start his day off right. And, to appreciate how fucking hot his boyfriend is, but that’s a given.

The next thing Louis does after cleaning himself up a bit is reach for his laptop and search his boyfriend’s name as he often does whenever Harry is off being a celebrity.

It’s not the same as having him here in the flesh of course, but tabloids are the best he can do at the moment. They’re also incredibly helpful in helping Louis keep track of all the cool places Harry travels. 

Louis scrolls through the latest news about Harry Styles and the adventures he’s been up to while in Australia this past week and he can’t help but instantly smile.

Harry looks good; happy, if not a little jet-lagged in pictures where he stopped to chat with fans or pose for the paparazzi to keep them satisfied for the time being. Him and his band seem to be having a great time together as they work and have some down time too like their quick trip to a koala reserve. Louis got several cute photos of that experience from Harry himself a few days ago. And then of course there’s the impromptu lunch he had with the Hemsworth brothers, which ultimate fan-girl Harry also sent Louis dozens of photos of. Actually, Harry was so excited about that fateful run-in that he posted pictures of the three of them on every social media he has, effectively sending the entire internet into a meltdown, including Louis who had to take a cold shower afterwards.

He has been hanging out at radio stations, giving small performances of his newest singles, and doing interviews all over the country, and Louis watches them all. He even catches up on the ones he managed to miss from when Harry was in Japan just a few days ago. And, for those few minutes while Loui is immersed in his boyfriend’s beautiful dimpled smile, dark curls, and his dry and quirky sense of humor, it works. He makes Louis feel better by seeing him, even if it’s just through a screen. But, at the same time, it’s not enough. How can it be when Louis knows how fucking amazing it feels being with him in person? There is simply no comparison. And so, once Louis has plowed through all the sightings and interviews, he’s left feeling less optimistic than he intended to. But, he guesses that’s fair after trying to substitute pictures, videos, and his own hand for the real thing.

The real thing is what Louis really wants right now. His actual, funny, beautiful, annoying, and weird boyfriend. His _best_ friend. Anything else simply won’t do, so he closes all the Harry tabs on his computer with a heavy sigh because on top of feeling a little bored today without his other half, he also feels a bit lonely.

That feeling plagues him the rest of the day and somehow, it’s compounded by the fact that tomorrow is officially spring and the two of them aren’t packing for their holiday like they should be. It’s easy for Louis to feel bummed out about that. Especially after waiting around all day for Harry to get just a few moments to himself, only for their phone call to end almost as soon as it began because they were about to take off for their next leg of tour in the US.

It’s discouraging to say the least, but Louis refuses to continue sitting around moping. And so, he calls up different mates and also family members, but it seems Monday evening has become the new Friday evening because not many people seem to be around, and the ones who are around are busy. Since that plan ends up being a wash, Louis turns to his only other form of distraction; his tv but after having to resort to it for over a week now, he feels like he has watched just about everything that can be watched.

He’s left with few options besides giving up and just going to bed, only it’s eight o’clock and he’s nowhere near tired. He’s got nothing to do and nowhere to go meaning he is officially and astonishingly bored. And, as if his sudden realization is being broadcast, his phone vibrates with a new text.

‘ _Bored yet? :)_ ’

Harry is currently in the air and will be for another thirteen hours until he reaches Miami, but Louis still kind of hoped it would be him. It’s not of course. It’s just Sam. The person who clearly hasn’t forgotten Louis’ promise to get in touch for the pints he’s owed. Louis forgot all about that. However, on a night like tonight when he has literally nothing to do, the reminder is kind of nice.

‘ _Actually... yeah_. _Great timing_ ,’ Louis sends back.

‘ _Well, I’m out if you’re still down for those pints. I could pick you up in ten?_ ’

Usually, it’s Louis and Harry getting picked up by Sam, and it’s the three of them going out together. Louis and Sam don’t ordinarily text each other either since they’re more mutual friends than anything else. Harry is pretty much the only connection they have to each other, so all of this is really new, but it can’t hurt to make new friends. Especially when all of Louis’ friends and his boyfriend are off doing their own thing.

‘ _Alright, then. See you in ten,’_ he answers as he happily switches off the television to go grab a jacket.

Louis’ wait is around fifteen minutes rather than ten and he doesn’t hesitate to point that out when Sam pulls up in his classic Porsche that looks just like Harry’s only it’s black instead of white.

“Uh oh,” Sam grins through the open driver’s window at Louis’ unimpressed expression. “I haven’t seen that look since that one night I was late bringing H home.”

“I wasn’t mad you brought H home _late_. I was mad that you brought him home at three a.m., higher than a kite on fucking _mushrooms_.” Louis clarifies. “The idiot actually thought he could fly.” It took Louis until sunrise to convince his boyfriend otherwise.

“I mean, he wasn’t _wrong_. Not necessarily,” Sam smirks. “Technically, he flew for a whole three seconds when he hopped out of the kitchen window and into the garden at my dad’s.”

They both try to keep straight faces, only resulting in the both of them snorting laughs at how ridiculous Harry gets when he’s high. He once cried because he didn’t like the sound of the sun.

“Do me a favor. Never ever give him mushrooms or anything besides weed again,” Louis laughs as he climbs into the passenger’s seat.

“ _Me?_ They were his idea!” Sam snorts.

“You’re his best friend. You’re supposed to talk him _out_ of doing dumb shit.”

“Well, next time, come with us and we can keep him in line together, yeah?”

Louis hadn’t felt well that evening. His head had been pounding all day, so he wasn’t too keen on going out. After hearing the stories of Harry flitting around his producer’s house, he kind of wishes he had witnessed it first-hand.

“Alright, deal,” Louis grins in agreement. “But once he starts crying over ants being small or sunshine sounding mean, he’s your responsibility.”

“Deal,” Sam chuckles, as he lets his foot off the brakes and starts driving.

Louis’ expectations of Sam and their first real attempt at friendship are surpassed when they don’t pull up to some posh new restaurant or nightclub with people clamoring to get in, but a dive bar that makes Louis laugh because Sam’s designer outfit looks a little out of place amongst the sticky floors and tables. It’s not that he’s surprised by Sam hanging out in a place like this. After all, Harry loves places like this and the two of them have been mates for years. It’s just unexpected. So is how comfortable they are in each other’s company. That’s the other thing that has surpassed Louis’ expectations of tonight. They are actually talking and having fun. Like, without their usual common denominator, Harry. Who would’ve guessed they’re both into the same footie team or that they’d get on so well? Certainly not Louis.

They start out with the two pints Louis was promised. They are followed by a third pint that Louis accepted not because Sam wanted to make amends, but because he was actually invested in the story Louis was telling him about the time he and his friends were nearly kicked out of a footie match once for being too rowdy. Now, they are each on beer number four. Louis is pleasantly warm and carefree in a way that he hasn’t been ever since Harry left, though that doesn’t mean he isn’t still thinking of him. That doesn’t mean Louis doesn’t wish he were here. His longing must be written all over his face to make Sam look at him across their booth with knowing, empathetic eyes.

“How are you doing?”

Louis glances down at his pint that’s still half full. “I’m good,” Louis answers. “More than. I think this one will be my last.”

When Louis glances up from his drink, he finds Sam chuckling at him. “Well, I should hope so, otherwise we’ll be carrying you out of here,” he jokes before his eyes soften again. “When I asked how you’re doing, I meant how are you _really_ doing? You know, since the tour.”

“Oh,” Louis blinks, instantly pasting on the kind grin he wears with fans and paparazzi who turn to him on slow days. “I’m great. Things are great. I’m happy he’s off doing what he loves.”

Louis doesn’t know what sort of reaction he was expecting, but spluttering laughter was not it.

“ _Wow_. Did I seriously just get the scripted _media_ response?”

“Oi! It is not scripted,” he asserts. “...I change it up from time to time.”

His joke lands precisely like he wants it to, making the both of them laugh before Louis releases a deep sigh.

“Have you got a real, non-scripted answer you’d like to share?”

Not particularly. Louis rarely gives the real answer because he sounds so pathetic missing Harry so much, but Sam _is_ asking.

“Honestly... it’s hard,” Louis shrugs, already expecting Sam to roll his eyes or laugh at the ‘real’ answer he wanted so badly. What he gets instead is his compassion.

“I bet,” he whispers.

“Yeah, but, it’s not as terrible as I’m probably making it sound,” Louis chuckles to himself. “Obviously, it sucks being apart all the time, but he comes home to me, and that’s worth it.”

Sam has been a good listener so far; rapt, attentive, kind. And, now, agreeing, a small grin tugging at his lips with a soft, _‘I bet._ ’

There’s a weird, tense moment between them afterwards where Louis feels the need to break eye contact because holding it feels like too much; too personal for the casual vibe they lost somehow.

He stares at the dozens of little bubbles traveling up the side of his pint glass instead, ignoring how he can still feel Sam’s eyes on him.

“So! How are things for you without your partner in crime?” Louis chirps to lighten the mood. He breathes a silent sigh of relief because thankfully, it actually works. 

*

Pints with Sam didn’t exactly go off without a hitch that night. The newness of their friendship certainly created an awkward moment or two, but nothing too awful. Nothing to make Louis not want to hang out with Sam again. Overall, it was a good night and Louis really needed it. He wanted a bit of face-to-face conversation. Louis likes talking to someone on the outside of his relationship like everyone else, but also with a unique perspective of the inside of it because Sam knows them both. He likes knowing he isn’t crazy or ungrateful for feeling like his seemingly perfect life is imperfect.

As unexpected as it was, it’s a good thing to now consider Sam a friend because for the first time ever, he and Harry _feel_ as distant as they are physically.

There is always a tour or show or something that requires Harry to be gone. That’s his life. That’s their life, but for some reason, this time feels so much harder than all the others. Their usual good morning and good night texts have gotten inconsistent. Sometimes, they don’t send anything at all. They still see each other via FaceTime almost every day, but ten minutes just isn’t enough time to talk about all the space that seems to be filling up between them.

Their long-distance communication has gotten patchy before, but it has never broken down to the point that they have no clue what’s going on in each other’s lives. Louis is able to keep up with Harry through the media, but so is the rest of the world. Louis loves seeing him being his wonderfully charming self in front of cameras as much as everyone else, but those aren’t the things about Harry that make him Louis’ boyfriend. He wants to hear about Harry’s good days and his bad days; his ups and his downs, successes and failures. He wants the unguarded, human version of his boyfriend; the imperfect Harry who has a level of vulnerability and honesty that simply cannot be captured through a lens. Those are the parts of Harry that Louis is missing so much.

**March 27 th – Day 17/42**

It’s a Saturday when Louis glances up from the tea his mother made him and grins at her across the kitchen table. Between them are a plate full of his favorite biscuits that always seem to make an appearance whenever Louis is feeling a bit down. Also, their phones lying face up so that they both see his screen light up with a new text message and how fast Louis’ hand shoots out to read it.

“ _See_ ,” his mother gloats when Louis checks out of their conversation. “And you thought he was too busy to be missing you like crazy.”

“It’s not Haz. It’s Sam,” Louis says as he answers Sam by letting him know he isn’t up to much besides spending some quality time at home. His mother looks surprised by Louis’ response to her, her left eyebrow raised slightly after Louis hits send.

“Sam. Hmm,” she hums curiously from behind her mug. “I didn’t realize you two were so close.”

“We’re not,” Louis shrugs. “We just chat sometimes... grab a pint when we’re bored. Nothing too fancy.”

“Oh. Well, what do Liam and Niall think of him? You all are kind of an odd group after all.”

“Yeah, we don’t really all go out together. It’s usually just me and Sam.”

“ _Usually_?” his mother asks in a tone that makes Louis blink up from Sam’s newest message asking if he’s up for hanging out later on. “ _How_ usually?”

“Um... always, I guess,” he answers, suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable about his answer due to the careful way his mother is watching him.

His mother’s instincts are right is the thing. Louis never invites his other mates to hang out with them because they don’t have much in common with Sam. Frankly, they don’t really like Sam; they never have, but that doesn’t mean Louis has to hate him.

“It’s not like that,” Louis hurries to say when he can practically see the accusation taking shape in her eyes.

“I didn’t say anything,” she counters calmly. “You’re allowed to have friends, Lou.” And, yeah, he _is_. Especially when all of his are busy living their own lives. “You’re allowed to have _friends_ ,” she iterates as if Louis didn’t hear her the first time. “Nothing more.”

Louis snorts a humorless laugh. Obviously, he’s not allowed anything more, and plus, he doesn’t _want_ anything more. He and Harry are fully committed to one another. They were talking marriage a couple of weeks before he left.

“If you’re implying that I shouldn’t cheat on my boyfriend with his best mate, you can save your breath. I’m well aware.”

“I know you are, love,” his mother grins like she believes him, however there’s still caution in her fixed gaze. “I just hope Sam is also aware.”

The idea is laughable. Not once has Louis ever been attracted to Sam in that way and he’s one hundred percent sure his indifference is reciprocated. Louis is not a cheater and Sam is never seeing anyone long enough to even think about cheating on them. Their sudden friendship is just that; friendship. And yet, with his mother’s gaze still fixed on him and filled with concern, he does something he can’t really explain and something he isn’t very proud of. He lies.

“I’m not the only one here who’s in a relationship, you know. Sam has a boyfriend.”

“Oh?” his mother blinks.

“Mhmm,” Louis nods. “Riley. They got together about a month ago.” That part actually isn’t a lie. Harry and Sam went out to dinner with a bunch of people including Louis where a man called Riley was their server. The two of them ended up having sex at Sam’s that night after Riley got off work. They went for coffee the next day and seemed to hit it off. Who’s to say they aren’t still seeing each other and Sam just hasn’t mentioned it?

“Well, that’s great. I’m happy for them,” his mother decides after a short pause.

“Me too,” Louis agrees, ignoring the giant wave of guilt rolling through his stomach to send off the text he quickly constructs.

“Seven sounds good. First round’s on me.”

Each time they meet up, Louis is continually impressed by Sam’s matured and humbled taste in hang out locations because none of them have valet parking or drinks so fancy that Louis can’t pronounce them. The only person in this world that Louis would step foot inside of a cocktail lounge or something called a ‘drinkery’ for is Harry. Louis wouldn’t be caught dead sipping drinks with edible gold flakes in them or ice cubes with flowers frozen in the middle without his other half. And, so, while he’s busy stopping off at radio stations in... North Carolina? No, _DC_ – Louis is glad to be sat in some random old pub he’s never heard of, sipping on a cool pint. Though he’d happily trade the pint for a rose essence gin or some other bizarre concoction if it meant Harry were here instead.

“You alright over there?” Sam chuckles, pulling Louis out of his fantasy of his boyfriend walking through the door and kissing him like no one’s watching. If only.

“Hmm? I guess I zoned out for a second. Sorry. Uh- Yeah. I’m alright,” he finally answers.

“It’s okay. Don’t apologize,” Louis is told right before Sam barrels on. “You’re not alright. I can tell. You haven’t stopped looking at your phone since we got here.”

Louis hadn’t even realized he was doing that. He wasn’t trying to be rude. He guesses tonight he has Harry on his mind way more than usual. It was probably his talk with his mother that did it. She always manages to force Louis into facing the truth. Right now, the truth is that he’s lonely without Harry, and no amount of tea, biscuits, or beer will make the feeling go away.

“You want to tell me what’s going on up there?” Sam grins, gesturing at Louis’ head that feels a bit heavy with all the alcohol. But, it’s not his head that’s the problem. It’s his heart and the fact that only half of it is with him.

“There’s not much to tell besides the usual pathetic cycle of feeling fine, sad, guilty for feeling sad, and then back ‘round to fine again once I hear his voice.” This morning, Louis got himself off to a voicemail message Harry left him last year after a show in Germany. He won’t admit that out loud because it’s too fucking tragic. Not that Louis hasn’t done much worse over the years like coming in the shower after using Harry’s shampoo just to have his scent around.

“That sounds... well, dreadful really. Jesus,” Sam jokes and it actually pulls a little grin out of Louis.

“I know. I’m being dramatic,” Louis jokes back with a roll of his eyes. “I’m fine. Really,” he insists and it’s true. He’ll live. He always does. “And, anyway. I have no room to complain. I knew exactly what I signed up for with him.” Harry comes with much more than just himself. He comes with a whole world that Louis has no part in. He has known that since day one so he can’t be upset when they’re forced to follow through with the difficult parts of their relationship. 

“Hey, don’t do that,” Sam whispers. Louis freezes when one of Sam’s warm hands reaches across the table to cover one of Louis’. It’s a weird feeling. Probably because the only people who have done that in the past two years are his boyfriend and his six-year-old twin siblings. “Don’t pretend like you deserve to feel this way, Lou, because you don’t.”

It takes longer than it should for Louis’ alcohol-tinged brain to pull back his hand. Once it is free, it is still radiating heat like tiny embers embedded across his skin.

“I didn’t say I deserved it,” Louis clarifies since there was clearly a misunderstanding here. “I said I signed up for this.” Willingly and wholeheartedly. He would endure anything for the person he loves more than anything, but Sam doesn’t seem very convinced. Actually, he looks more frustrated and upset about the situation than even Louis as he shakes his head.

“No one signs up to always come second place, Lou. That’s bullshit, you deserve better, and you know it.”

Louis blinks back at the words he isn’t shouting, but obviously feels passionate about. Louis always knew Sam cared deeply about Harry. He never would’ve guessed that same loyalty and love extends to him too.

“Sorry, Louis, I- It’s not my relationship, yeah? It’s absolutely none of my business so we’ll talk about something else. Football maybe,” he suggests a second later like he didn’t just cause Louis’ chest to burn like piercing it with a hot blade.

The vibe between them after that is weirdly tense, kind of like it was today with his mother once Sam’s name came up. He feels like there are things being unsaid right now and that bothers Louis. However, it doesn’t bother him as much as thinking back over Sam’s little outburst and finding that he can’t make himself disagree.

**March 28 th – Day 18/42**

Louis doesn’t even try this whole positivity bit when he wakes up the next day. There’s no point anymore he realizes because no matter the amount of blind optimism he aims for, things will still be the same. Harry will still be in America, Louis will still be here in their flat, and not much can be done to change that right now so he may well just accept it as he always does.

Usually, by now, Louis has adapted much more to living solo, but something feels so different this time. They aren’t even at the half-way mark of this promo tour and Louis is practically crawling out of his skin with how over it he is. 

He ignores the empty side of the bed today and he decides to skip the laptop today too knowing it won’t help to open it and see his boyfriend being wonderful and looking gorgeous halfway across the world. He grabs his phone from the bedside table instead, not really expecting to see anything from Harry besides his usual goodnight texts that typically come too late or too early depending on which time zone he’s in. However, when Louis looks at his phone a giant, relieved smile stretches across his face because this particular message has come right on time.

Louis is just about to begin reading it when a knock at the front door pulls his focus there instead. It’s much too early for anyone he knows to be up and coming ‘round for a visit. He’s half expecting his mum or even Sam fresh from an all-nighter after seeing each other last night. What’s behind the door instead is a woman who hands him a big bouquet of sunflowers. They come without a card, but it’s not like Louis needs one to know precisely who sent them.

He barely has time to set the flowers on the entryway table before he’s sprinting back to his bedroom where he left his phone and the text Harry sent him.

_‘Good morning, my love! Or, should I say sunflower! I miss you so much I can’t even begin to tell you. I’m sorry this tour has been so mad and that we haven’t been able to talk much these past couple of weeks. I’d like to try and fix that if you’ll let me. Extended cyber date tonight so I can see your gorgeous face and tell you all about the koala that shit on me in Australia? Love you xx – H’_

Not only does Louis get gorgeous flowers, but he also gets a date. It’s all a bit unexpected. From what Louis remembers about Harry’s schedule this week, he was set to do an interview and small show, but clearly something has changed. Not that Louis minds a random cancellation. After all, a random cancellation is how they met in the first place.

They are finally going to get the chance to talk without interruption. Granted, this date will probably begin at midnight or well past it for Louis, but he’ll fucking take it. This time together is just what he needs. It’s what _they_ need, and Louis can hardly wait.

_‘It’s a date, love. I’ll wear the ratty joggers with the hole in the left knee just for you,’_ Louis sends back. _‘Also, I’ll see your Australian koala shit story and raise you my amazing sex dream featuring you and the Hemsworths. Can’t wait to see you, love! Talk soon! Xx’_

For the rest of the day, Louis is on cloud nine and absolutely nothing bothers him. Not the mountain of emails he has to answer at work, or his boss needing a caffeine boost at the peak of lunch rush. Louis gets stopped by fans on the way there and back and he happily chats with all of them. And, he voluntarily stays late at work to get a head start on tomorrow’s duties so he won’t be too swamped tomorrow after his big late-night date.

When he finally leaves work, he comes straight home to tidy their flat. Or at least the parts of it that Harry is mostly likely to see tonight. Once things look decent, Louis gets to work on himself taking great care to trim up his facial hair and make sure his fringe falls just right. As promised, Louis chooses his favorite pair of old joggers, but he pairs it with the dark green hoodie Harry always leaves behind for him to wear on hard days. It smells like him still, the scent making Louis’ stomach flutter with each bated breath as he finally sits down at the desk in their bedroom and he opens his laptop.

Louis realizes he’s a bit early when he sees it’s only eleven twenty-two. He’s not surprised at himself jumping the gun, but that’s only because he’s so fucking excited.

The eight minutes he was to wait are some of the longest minutes Louis has ever had to sit through, knees bouncing under the desk in anticipation. By the time eleven-thirty finally arrives, he is on pins and needles. However, the light, tingly feeling of them gets uncomfortable as time ticks on and Louis’ face is still the only one on his screen.

Harry has been late before so it’s not really a big deal. It’s just that normally Harry lets him know about it beforehand, so he knows what to expect. The last thing Louis received from Harry was a couple of hours ago when he said he was just finishing up an interview and heading back to his hotel to get ready for their date. Their date which should’ve started fifteen minutes ago.

Now, the pins and needles start to ache as the clock strikes midnight and then a quarter-past with no sign of Harry. He’s never been this late before. Now, he’s actually worried that something is wrong.

Louis texts and calls him just to make sure he’s okay, getting nothing in return but silence. He is about to stop trying when he finally gets something back; a text, only, it’s not from the person he needs it to be from.

_‘Hi Lou! It’s Em with Harry’s phone! Bit of bad news. I’m afraid filming is back on for tonight so he’s on set. We had to rush to the studio so things got a little crazy and he didn’t get to call, but H asked me to let you know he’ll have to take a raincheck for your date and that’s he’s sorry he couldn’t make it. Hope you’re well! So sorry for the mix-up, babe. Have a good night!_ ’

For a moment, Louis just sits there staring at words ‘raincheck’ and ‘sorry’, taunting him like some sick joke. The disappointment he feels is nothing like the anger coursing through his body because the icing on the rejection cake is that Harry had his assistant do it.

His boyfriend stood him up and had his fucking assistant break it to him.

He slams his laptop shut exactly one hour and twelve minutes after sitting down in front of it. Over an hour he sat here waiting for something that never came because his boyfriend forgot about him. Or as Emma described it ‘ _things got crazy_ ’. Either way, Louis was the last fucking thing on Harry’s mind, which isn’t the worst thing in the world that could happen, but it sure fucking feels like it. And, the terrible thing is that as angry as he is at Harry right now, he’s even angrier at himself.

Louis’ eyes burn with all the tears he’s been holding back since Harry left weeks ago. He never lets them fall whenever Harry’s away because it’s not like crying will bring him back. Tonight will just have to be an exception because he can’t hold in the tears anymore. And he doesn’t give a shit if crying won’t help because it’s more terrible to pretend like he’s fine when he’s just not anymore.

This is the part that nobody else sees. This year and this tour were supposed to be better than all the ones before it. Harry’s label promised. _Harry_ promised, but it’s not better. Things have gotten progressively worse over the past few weeks. In fact, this may be the lowest Louis has felt this entire time. It’s certainly his lowest point in their entire relationship and he’s not sure when or how they can pull themselves out of it.

Either way, Louis is too fucking hurt and exhausted to try and come up with a solution right now. Actually, he doesn’t want to think at all, forcing himself up from the desk and over to their bed to try and sleep off how fucking awful it feels sometimes to be in love with someone he has to share with the entire world. Sometimes, he shares so much of Harry that it feels like there’s hardly anything left for him.

*

Despite his best intentions, Louis sleeps like hell, unable to turn off the part of his brain that insists on thinking of Harry even when he doesn’t want it to.

It’s one of the worst nights of his life and it bleeds into one of the worst mornings as the sun slowly rises outside his window. It’s a brand new day full of new possibilities, but Louis’ feelings remain unchanged. He feels like such an idiot. He also has work in less than an hour, so he forces himself out of bed.

When he stands, there’s a numbness he feels all over his from how fucking drained he is after last night. It’s a kind of exhaustion he has never experienced before. He can’t even conjure up the will to give a shit about the seven texts and eleven calls he received at some point in the night while his phone was turned off as a way of preventing further disappointment.

They’re all from Harry. His apology texts varying in levels of desperation as he received nothing but silence in response. Louis should put him out of his misery and call him back. Talk it out like they always do, but Louis’ pride won’t let him. He’s still angry and frankly, embarrassed that he sat there last night waiting for him like a fool.

By the time Louis goes into the kitchen to make himself the largest cup of coffee possible, he’s still no closer to wanting to forgive Harry. Seeing the beautiful sunflowers he sent sitting on the countertop doesn’t help either. It’s not the flowers’ fault that Louis practically set himself up to be disappointed. He has no one to blame for his blind optimism but himself, but it feels good directing his anger elsewhere. No sooner does Louis imagine pushing the flowers and the glass vase into the sink is he reaching out and actually doing it.

The vase shatters into a dozen little pieces leaving some of the bright yellow petals tattered. It feels amazing and stupid all at once. Louis chooses to focus on the first emotion, not even bothering to clean up the mess as he pours himself some coffee and heads out the door.

Harry got pulled into work last night. There is nothing particularly evil or malicious about accidently standing him up. And, as far as Louis knows, it wasn’t intentional even if it did hurt like hell. There is a huge part of Louis that just wants to dial Harry up to forgive him, but there’s a much bigger part of Louis that likes the idea of ignoring him more. And, yes, it’s childish, petty, and dumb to punish him that way. However, it makes Louis feel slightly less wretched knowing that Harry is somewhere in the world feeling rejected and forgotten too.

That attitude towards the situation sticks around all day. Eventually, it fizzles to where Louis isn’t necessarily angry with Harry anymore, but he is quite annoyed. It’s annoying that he’s the one who always gets the short end of the stick in their relationship. It’s not fair that Harry gets to gallivant all over the world meeting koalas and having the time of his life while Louis sits at home missing him so much that a fucking FaceTime date feels like winning a lottery.

So, maybe he is still a little angry after all. It’s too bad that anger is an emotion that’s hard to keep up for long. He falls into a state of jadedness on his way home from work after getting stopped by fans who want to tell him how amazing his boyfriend is. It’s all Louis can do to not scream and keep a kind smile pasted onto his face. Not because the fans are wrong, but because Louis knows they’re right.

Harry _is_ amazing. He’s an incredible person, musician, friend, and usually, he’s an incredible boyfriend too. It’s not his fault that he’s gone a lot and that Louis can’t join him on the road as often as they’d like. It’s not his fault that his schedule got fucked up yesterday, and it’s not his fault that Louis is feeling so bitter about it because they chose this. They both did. They chose each other despite all the hardships they knew they’d face, so really, Louis can’t be mad or bitter when times get rough. In fact, after his run-in with the fans who remind Louis just how amazing his boyfriend really is, it’s a quick dissent back into sadness and dejection because his amazing boyfriend still isn’t here.

He knows it won’t help, but he pours himself a tall glass of wine the moment he gets home anyway. He needs it after the day and night he has had. Also, he needs it to push him to swallow his pride and finally call Harry back.

It takes him a while to work up the nerve to do it – one and a half glasses of merlot precisely before Louis decides FaceTime is the best way to do this. It’s more personal than a text or phone call and it will keep them honest since they’ll be looking right at each other. 

Considering the amount of times Harry has tried contacting him today, he expected Harry to answer almost immediately, but Louis’ first call ends with him blinking down at his phone. His second and third calls end the same way fifteen minutes later, and so do all his texts he sends after that. 

Louis can’t say he is surprised by Harry not answering him since that has been the case for most of this tour. It’s much too early for anyone in New York to be in bed, so he’s not sleeping. Maybe after a full day of attempts to make up, Harry has given up on him. Or, what’s most likely is Harry is now angry too so he’s trying to beat Louis at his own game by ignoring him. It wouldn’t be the first time they’ve resorted to immature tactics during an international fight.

After coming to the realization that this mess is no closer to being resolved than it was this morning, Louis goes back to his wine. The portion is much smaller this time because the bottle is one that he and Harry opened before he left. They pretty much only keep alcohol around for celebrations, so after Louis’ finished off the wine, he moves on to the bottle of champagne they used to toast the success of Harry’s latest single and the start of the promo. It’ll do. Anything to help numb how wretched he’s suddenly feeling again after having his truce attempt go down the drain.

An hour later and Louis’ phone is as silent as ever. It makes him anxious just sitting around and waiting. During the day when he had work and things to do, he was able to deal, but it is all too much when sobriety starts creeping back in. Nighttime in their empty flat makes everything so much worse and highlights just how alone he truly is. Being here where all Harry’s stuff is but Harry is not is too much, and so he decides to do something about it.

Sam had invited him for drinks yesterday. Louis declined so he would be free for his big date that never happened. He hasn’t heard anything from Sam today, but knowing him, he certainly isn’t sitting at home bored. He’s probably out having the time of his life somewhere. That sounds pretty fucking good to Louis right about now. Much better than waiting by the phone that won’t ever ring, so he doesn’t think twice before texting him to come pick him up so he can join in the fun too.

Louis can’t remember the last time he went out on the town without Harry. It has been years which is probably why it takes a little while for Louis to feel totally comfortable amongst all of the industry people in Sam’s friend circle. Even when Harry is here, Louis feels out of place in groups like this because he’s not a popstar or the son of some big music legend. Thankfully, none of that matters to them as much as Louis thought it would. He doesn’t fit in, but no one seems to mind that Louis’ only connection to their world is gone, or that Louis is technically an outsider tagging along. Least of all, Sam who seems beyond thrilled to finally have Louis be part of the crew.

They have a few drinks which turn into everyone going dancing. Even though the club scene has never really been Louis’ thing, it’s the most fun he’s had in a long time. He has the multiple rounds of tequila shots to thank for that. Also, the pill one of Sam’s mates slips Louis to make him feel like he’s floating.

It feels incredible not worrying about anything or anyone; a massive improvement from the past few weeks Louis has lost sleep at night wondering about his and Harry’s future. However, the feeling doesn’t last very long. After a couple of hours pass, Louis is right back where he started. Only now, he feels shittier from such a sudden crash back down to reality where his relationship is on the rocks with no signs of things calming down anytime soon.

While everyone else is plotting their next location, Louis finds himself staring at his phone that is as silent as ever. He wants to reach out to Harry again, but he would feel like even more of an idiot being ignored yet again. He isn’t sure how to feel knowing things are so fucked up that he and Harry aren’t even on speaking terms. In the two years they’ve been together, things have never been this bad. He doesn’t even know how they got here.

The realization must be written all over his face because when Louis finally looks away from his phone and tunes into the conversation, everyone is watching Louis like a dam about to burst.

Quickly, he blinks back the tears beginning to pool in his eyes and pastes on his grin from earlier, but it lacks any sort of real happiness. It’s possible that Louis now looks more miserable. He certainly feels miserable nodding in approval of the group’s decision to go on to another club when really, Louis just wants to go home. Only, home sounds even worse than going to another club, because he’ll be alone.

Louis does not voice any of this, and yet Sam’s eyes are so understanding as they look at each other.

“You all go ahead,” he says to his friends about to continue their night of fun. Passing on the opportunity to wreak havoc on the city is not something Sam usually does. The confused faces of Sam’s mates are proof of that. Though, no one is more surprised at Sam’s sudden change of heart than Louis when Sam proposes they ditch the loud music and lights to grab a quiet drink together and talk.

A few weeks ago, Louis would’ve described Sam in a lot of ways. The word friend wouldn’t have been on the list, but that is certainly no longer the case.

“Alright,” Louis agrees, feeling relieved already.

*

In Louis’ mind, grabbing a drink and talking somewhere quiet would look like him and Sam hitting up one of the local dives they’ve visited before. Things don’t quite workout that way when they sit down in a corner booth and Louis is instantly recognized by a group of fans. Normally, that wouldn’t bother him, but, normally, he wouldn’t be here for the sole purpose of talking to someone about his and Harry’s personal life. They don’t need some sad story about Harry Styles’ spoiled, unappreciative boyfriend splashed all over the tabloids on top of everything else. So, they decide to go someplace else where Louis won’t be overheard. 

Sam’s place isn’t exactly ideal. Going to another pub runs the same risk of Louis being recognized, so he agrees to having a chat on Sam’s balcony overlooking his front garden and the city.

Louis and Sam have known each other for years now, but Louis has never been to his house. Before now, he never had a reason to. It is funny what a few weeks and a tour can do to people. Never in a million years did Louis think they’d end up here.

The smoke from Louis’ cigarette decorates his view of the city lights with thin, grey tendrils. He feels almost guilty as he inhales another delicious lungful because he knows Harry would be upset with him if he were here to see him. Louis quit smoking years ago when he saw how worried it made Harry and his loved ones about his health. That doesn’t mean Louis quit liking cigarettes. They’re like old friends, helping to release the tension from Louis’ shoulders with every drag he takes. Honestly, he hadn’t realized how much he missed it until now with his legs happily swinging between the vertical rails at the edge of Sam’s balcony.

“I had no idea you were so _cool_ , Tomlinson. Who knew?”

Sam can hardly contain his smirk as he turns up the half-empty bottle of whiskey in his hands. He takes a small swig of it, his grin still in place as he licks the remnants of the alcohol from his lips and then passes the bottle back to Louis.

It doesn’t taste like much of anything when it flows down Louis’ throat. By now, he has had so many drinks that he has kind of lost count and his mouth has gone a bit numb. Considering his goal for tonight was to not feel anything at all, he’s counting that as a positive. Physically, he feels great. Emotionally, not so much, because no matter how many cigarettes he smokes and drinks he downs, things with Harry are still fucked and he can do very little to fix them.

The more he thinks about everything that has happened over the past few weeks, the more frustrated he feels because rather than being in the middle of a fight with his boyfriend, they should have been getting closer than ever on the _very_ much-needed holiday they never can seem to actually take.

“I SHOULD BE LYING ON A BEACH RIGHT NOW!” he shouts at the city, the moon; _Sam_ , though all he does is smile, his eyes half-amused and half-sympathetic.

“Oh?” he muses. “Which beach then?”

_Any_ beach. Any _where_ so long as Harry was there with him. The crazy part about all of this is they were so, so close to finally making it happen that they even picked a date. Louis had been devastated the day Harry came home from a meeting with his label and broke the news that his tour had been moved up, once again eclipsing all chances of them going away together.

“I know he can’t help it,” Louis sighs, ignoring Sam’s question and taking another long drag off his cigarette. “His work is his work and it’s not his fault the way his schedule shifts around. He doesn’t call the shots there, but fuck.”

Normally, Louis wouldn’t even complain about his hectic schedule. He certainly didn’t complain when he learned that the trip had been postponed. There was no point. Like he just said, it wasn’t Harry’s fault. However, when Louis glances over at Sam’s furrowed brow and how quickly Sam drops Louis’ gaze, he gets the feeling he’s missing something.

“What?” Louis asks on the end of another quick drag.

“Hm? Nothing,” he mutters quietly, now causing Louis’ brow to furrow.

Oddly enough, Sam, a renowned chatterbox, suddenly has very little desire to chat as he avoids Louis completely and stares straight ahead into the night. He is being beyond weird right now, and it has nothing to do with the alcohol. He didn’t make that face until Louis mentioned Harry.

“You know something, and I want to know what it is,” Louis demands, despite Sam’s heavy sigh begging for him to just leave it.

Louis pulls his legs back onto the balcony so he can face Sam head-on. Whatever it is, it’s clear that Sam doesn’t want to say it out loud. Maybe Louis should just leave it. Afterall, he has already gone this long without knowing and things are fucked up enough as it is.

Suddenly, Louis decides he doesn’t want to know. Whatever it is will only further annoy him, but before he can open his mouth to tell Sam he has had a change of heart, the secret is already out.

“It wasn’t the label. It was him.”

At first, Louis isn’t even sure what that means. “... _What_ wasn’t the label?” he asks carefully; stupidly, feeling his stomach sink when he gets his answer.

“Moving up the tour,” Sam admits with a torn sigh. “Harry approved that change.”

Louis wants nothing more than to unhear that. Mostly, because he knows it’s a fucking lie.

“That’s- It’s not true,” he says, shaking his head in denial of what Sam thinks he knows about his boyfriend. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Haz was looking forward to that trip more than I was. He wouldn’t do that.”

“Yeah, except he _did_. I should know since I was sitting in the bloody room,” Sam quips, clearly getting upset at being called a liar. “His label proposed an earlier album release so it wouldn’t coincide with another artist’s album release. He was given a choice to keep his time off, the original tour schedule, and his original release date, and he chose the _opposite_.” What he’s saying is crazy. At no point did Harry tell Louis any of this. There wasn’t even a casual mention of him _choosing_ to sabotage their plans, but Sam is adamant that it’s true. “If you don’t believe me, ring my dad and ask him because he was there too.”

None of it makes any sense. Harry isn’t a liar. He doesn’t fucking _lie_. Or, at least, he didn’t used to. But, then again, it was strange that Harry’s holiday time would be taken away so abruptly, especially after his label agreed to be more flexible starting this year. All this time Louis’ anger has been directed at Harry’s record label; the people who make his amazing career possible and his personal life nearly impossible. When, all along, it was Harry he should’ve been angry with. Maybe that’s why Harry didn’t tell him what really went down. He knew Louis would be livid if he found out, so he lied and put the blame elsewhere. No wonder he was being so attentive and clingy in the days leading up to his tour. It wasn’t because he loves Louis and was going to miss him. It was nothing but his own guilt he was trying to assuage. Fucking arsehole.

The longer Louis sits with the realization that he has been lied to repeatedly for weeks, the more his blood boils. And what is worse than realizing his boyfriend lied to him for the sake of fucking album sales is realizing that Sam has known the whole time. Sam, who has seen Louis at some of his lowest moments. Sam, who has been there for Louis; comforted Louis through his anguish of knowing in his bones that something between him and Harry just isn’t right. He has no idea what kind of game Sam has been playing with him, but whatever it is, it stops now. Louis is practically surrounded by fucking liars and it’s now his mission to get as far away from them as possible.

Louis doesn’t say a word when he stands from the concrete balcony, flicking the butt of his cigarette at his feet and smudging an ashy stain into the floor rather than flicking it into the bin. “Fuck both of you,” Louis spits before turning and leaving through the open French doors to Sam’s living room.

He can hear Sam scrambling after him, not even bothering to glance over his shoulder as he determinedly makes his way through the house.

“Where are you going?” Sam asks right at Louis’ heels.

“ _Home_ ,” Louis spits even though it should be obvious as he grabs his jacket and wallet.

“Well, you shouldn’t. Not when you’re this wasted. I’ll drive you back,” Sam states matter-of-factly, scoffing when Louis retorts with an indignant, _‘I’ll walk_.’

“Lou, it’s across town. Do you know what fucking time it is?”

No, Louis doesn’t know what fucking time it is, nor does he care as he reaches Sam’s front door, only for his large hand to stop it from opening.

“I want to go home. Fuck off,” Louis orders him, but Sam doesn’t do it, letting out a huff as his eyes implore Louis to pause for just a moment. 

“I’m on _your_ side here, Louis, please,” Sam begs. “I just risked my entire friendship with my best mate to tell you the truth. I’m actually here for you and trying to do what’s right and yet you’re so quick to believe Harry is on your side when clearly, he doesn’t give a shit about you.”

Sam has said a lot of questionable shit these past few weeks, but _that_ was over the fucking line. Harry can be lots of things; selfish, arrogant, jealous, and a slew of other traits that drive Louis up the wall, but a lack of caring for him isn’t one of them.

“He _does_ give a shit about me.”

“Oh, really?” Sam scoffs humorlessly, gesturing at Louis leaned against the door for balance and the tear tracks streaked down his cheeks. Louis doesn’t even remember allowing himself to start crying. Honestly, he cries so often these days it is hard to control it. “Yeah, from the looks of it, he cares loads.”

Louis can’t exactly dispute Sam’s point and it creates a deep pit in Louis’ stomach because he _knows_ Harry loves him. Lately, he just hasn’t been doing a great job of showing it.

“Hey, hey, none of that,” Sam whispers, gently thumbing at the fresh tears starting to fall. He had been so annoyed before, but his eyes soften seeing Louis so down. Louis had every intention of leaving and going home where he belongs, but he can’t make himself do it when he sees Sam’s arms open in invitation.

It starts as a hug that Louis really, really needs right now, even if it is from someone that he is still a little mad at. He lets himself be held by Sam the way a family member or friend would hold him. After a few minutes, Sam pulls back a bit to check on him, grinning when he sees clear blue eyes rather than red-rimmed ones. “There he is,” Sam teases, his expression still soft and fond when his gaze moves from Louis’ eyes to his lips.

Standing as close as they currently are to one another is bound to create a little awkwardness, so Louis doesn’t really suspect anything of it. He figures it was just an accident, but just a millisecond later Sam’s mouth is pressed to his in a way that is not at all accidental. 

Louis’ reflexes aren’t very sharp at the moment, but he has enough of them to shove Sam off of him as soon as he realizes what’s happening. He shoves Sam in the chest again just so him and his mouth are as far away as possible.

“Have you lost your fucking mind?” he spits as Sam stumbles back looking about as shocked as Louis feels having Sam try to pull something like that with him. Then again, his mother did try to warn him that this could happen. Louis just didn’t think she would turn out to be right.

“Was this your brilliant plan the whole time?” Louis asks. “Drive a wedge between your best friend and his boyfriend so you can have a go while he’s gone?”

“ _No_ , I didn’t want to have a go at you, and I didn’t want to drive any wedge between anybody,” Sam scoffs like even the insinuation offends him. “Haz is my best friend.”

“Yeah, you sure act like it,” Louis quips, blinking back when Sam’s voice suddenly booms through the house.

“He is and you know he is! I love him like a brother!”

“Well, if you love him as much as you say, why the hell did you just-”

“Because I love you too, Louis...” Sam says so quietly that Louis almost misses it. “In a different way from Harry obviously. I’m not _in_ love with him.”

“But you are with me?” Louis snorts.

“Yes,” Sam answers without hesitation.

“Why am I only just now hearing about it then?” Louis snips back.

“I- I don’t know,” he shrugs. “Probably because I’ve only recently realized it myself. I think I’ve always loved you.”

Louis knows that’s bullshit. Sam can’t possibly love him, but Louis can’t pretend it doesn’t feel good hearing it; even if it isn’t from the one person who should be saying it. He’s too drunk to sort through the hurricane of emotions that stirs up. Guilt is the most prominent feeling churning around his gut, because when Sam kissed him his first instinct wasn’t to push him away. That was his second instinct. His first was to kiss him back.

He would never say that out loud of course. It would kill Harry to know that. It kills _Louis_ to know that.

“We’re both wasted,” Louis reasons when he notices Sam’s scared, hesitant gaze has turned hopeful in the long silence between them.

“I am not that drunk, Lou. I know what I said, and I meant it.”

That’s exactly what scares Louis. He has never seen Sam look more sincere than he does right now as he takes a few brave steps toward Louis. He needs to leave now before one of them does something else stupid. 

“I- I should go. Harry wouldn’t want-”

“Who cares what he wants? He has literally _everything_ he could ever want, and he doesn’t give a shit!” Sam snaps. “It’s a fucking game to him. Where even is he right now? Not here with you where he _should_ be. He lied straight to your face, and you’re worried about what _he_ wants?”

Louis shouldn’t listen to this. He should clock Sam in the jaw to shut him up from talking about Harry that way, but Louis can’t bring himself to do it because deep down he knows there is some truth to what Sam is saying. Harry does treat their relationship like a consolation prize, it does feel like being in second place a lot of the time, and Harry did lie straight to his face about the tour more than a dozen times. And that is just from the lie Louis _knows_ about. Who knows how many others there are and have been?

“He isn’t here right now, and I know how much you hate it,” Sam whispers, using his free hand to lift Louis’ chin so Louis can’t look anywhere else but right at him. “...But, Louis, I _am_ here. I’ll always be here.”

Louis doesn’t need Sam to be here forever. He just needs him right now, and so, in a moment of blind anger, hurt, revenge, and refuge, Louis surges forward.

It isn’t an elegant kiss. It doesn’t feel like anything at all because Louis’ mouth is still numb. It is a blessing in disguise because Louis can’t note all the ways that this feels completely wrong. The lips bruising Louis’ are too full and the tongue licking into his mouth is too rough. Louis has never been this close to Sam, but he smells different from Harry. He probably tastes different too but Louis is too distracted by the pair of eager hands gripped into his hair and around his bum to dwell on it.

He shouldn’t start walking as Sam blindly leads them through the house to his bedroom. Louis shouldn’t allow Sam to kiss and touch him in all the places that Harry loves. He should stop them now before things go too far, but he wants this more than he realized. It feels like Louis is in a dream; disconnected from his body and the world when Sam guides him onto the bed like it is all he has ever wanted.

It’s fucked up when Louis stops to think about it, so he makes himself stop thinking about it. He stops thinking entirely, letting himself drift further and further away to where he can’t bear witness to something he is going to regret tomorrow if not the second after they finish.

*

**March 30 th – Day 20/42**

When Louis was fourteen, he caught a stomach bug that had been going around the school and practically lived in the bathroom for days. By the time he was better, he’d missed a week of classes, he’d lost so much weight his jeans fit looser, and he had seen the inside of his toilet bowl enough to be able to draw it blindfolded. It was hands-down the worst Louis has ever felt in his life. That is, until now.

He’s sick to his stomach before he even opens his eyes. The feeling only worsens when he blinks up at the ceiling spinning above him. It is hard for Louis to remember why he feels like shit. The past night is such a blur that it is difficult to know where it begins and ends. He drank a lot, that much he knows for sure otherwise he wouldn’t feel this way. But, mixed in with all the alcohol he consumed are flashes of things that don’t make any sense like some fucked up dreams featuring Sam. Louis feels awful because even in dream-form, the things he did with Sam behind Harry’s back are unthinkable. However, that feeling is nothing compared to the moment he looks to his left and feels his stomach sink.

Louis wants nothing more than to be dreaming, but the waves of guilt and nausea washing over him are so unbearable that he must be awake. Everything about the person sleeping next to him is wrong from his tattoos to the soft snores escaping him as he sleeps off their night.

Now, Louis’ memory is vividly clear, and he’s disgusted with himself. He can’t believe a stupid fight between him and Harry ended in this; in Louis fucking his so-called best friend. His stomach rolls just thinking about it.

He has no idea what time it is, but he knows he has already been here too long. He should never have come here in the first place. He needs to get out of here. He needs to think of a way to tell Harry what he did, but he’s already sick just imagining it. Louis sits up in search of his phone and spots it half-hidden under some jeans on the floor. The back of his throat burns with tears when he digs it free from a pile of his and Sam’s clothes and realizes his phone isn’t even switched on. It is still switched off from last night when Sam noticed Louis constantly staring at it, waiting for Harry’s call. Sam had told him he was doing him a favor by shutting it off and removing distraction. Now Louis knows it was just one of many attempts to keep Louis for himself.

Tears sting his throat again when his phone switches on and he sees he has fourteen missed calls and every one of them was Harry. His boyfriend didn’t forget about him. He wanted to talk and the whole time Louis was here hurting him in the cruelest way possible.

Louis doesn’t realize he’s crying until his shaky breaths cause Sam to sit bolt upright. Louis can’t even bear to look at him. He hates Sam and what’s even worse is Louis hates himself too.

“L-Lou?” he croaks in his sleep-heavy voice. “What’s wrong? Where are you going?” Louis doesn’t answer as he quickly sorts through their clothes and starts putting his back on. He has to get the fuck out of here and _now_. “Babe, please. I know last night was sort of unexpected, but-”

“Do _not_ fucking call me that. Don’t _ever_ call me that again,” Louis snaps feeling his anger for Sam increasing every second he’s in his house.

Sam’s mouth snaps shut, his brown eyes confused as they watch Louis desperately collecting his things like the room is on fire. “O- Okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just- I figured we might talk about last night... about us.”

“THERE IS NO US!” Louis screams at the top of his lungs. He’s so livid, he’s shaking. He can’t believe he actually thought him and Sam were friends. He was so fucking stupid. He couldn’t see what was right in front of his face. “What the fuck did you think was going to happen? That me and Harry would break up and then I’d magically go crawling to you?”

Sam just blinks at him, his mouth opening and closing in fear of saying something else to set Louis off. “N-No, I didn’t want to _hurt_ anyone. I just... I told you last night, Lou, I love you.”

“STOP FUCKING SAYING THAT!” If Louis hears it again he’s going to punch Sam in his lying face. “This isn’t love! You don’t love me!” Sam just loves that he got what he wanted, and he better relish it because this was the first and only time it’ll happen. He’ll be lucky if he ever sees Louis’ face again after today.

Louis can’t stay here another second. He isn’t even fully in his shirt yet when he starts walking towards the door ignoring Sam’s pleas for him not to go. Louis doesn’t acknowledge anything he says as he makes his way through the house, though Sam’s angry tirade claiming Harry will never forgive him sends a sharp pang through his chest. Louis can’t imagine a world where Harry doesn’t love him; where they can’t work through things the way they always have, but in his heart, he knows Sam may be right. This time isn’t like the times before. This may not be fixable, and it kills Louis to know that.

As soon as he is outside, Louis bends over and empties his stomach of everything he consumed last night, and yet, somehow, Louis feels even worse than before. He is disgusted as he walks home, and only part of that is from his massive hangover. He feels so gross he could crawl out of his own skin. He wishes that were possible, but sadly, it’s not.

The sun rises and paints the sky a collage of beautiful colors, but Louis can’t focus on any of it. All he can think about is his boyfriend he just fucked over, his missed calls, and how Louis would’ve answered him in a heartbeat if only he had known.

By the time Louis makes it to their building his head is pounding and his throat is raw from throwing up a second time. If he wasn’t walking up the stairs on his own two feet, he’d think he was dying, but he feels instant relief when he finally arrives at their flat. He rolls his eyes at himself when he tries to unlock the door and realizes he was so drunk last night he never locked it to begin with. Anyone could’ve walked in off the street and taken what they wanted like Harry’s expensive guitars or jewelry he loves. Clearly, Louis didn’t give a shit about anything that Harry cares about, including himself. He can’t believe how fucking careless he was, and for what? One drunken night of peace that ended in him hurting the person he loves more than anything.

At some point, he still has to talk to Harry about everything. The fight, the sex with Sam, all of it. Even though there’s nothing left in Louis’ stomach it churns at the thought. It’s already the hardest conversation of Louis’ life and it hasn’t even happened yet. And, because Louis’ life couldn’t possibly get any worse, he won’t have to wait to face the music and own up to all the horrible shit he did because Harry isn’t three thousand miles away on his promo tour. He is standing right here in their living room.

Louis’ heart stops in his chest seeing those green eyes and that bright smile that appears the moment Harry sees him. He looks incredible as ever, even jetlagged and exhausted from the red eye he must’ve taken to get here. Louis thought we would be so angry seeing him. That all the hurt he felt during this whole tour would come spilling out to give him some sort of release from all the anger. But, now that they’re here, the only thing he feels is relief because he has missed Harry so fucking much.

He’s heart restarts and beats double time when Harry runs up to him. It’s the moment Louis has been craving since the day he dropped his boyfriend off at the airport. That’s why his throat stings with fresh tears when Harry leans in for the kiss they’ve been waiting for, because Louis can’t even meet him halfway. He has to turn his head, giving Harry his cheek to kiss instead. He can’t kiss Harry hello. Not after what he did. Not after where his lips have been.

It is probably the lowest point of Louis’ life thus far, and that’s saying something considering how shitty he already felt. He manages to sink even lower seeing the disappointment and rejection on Harry’s face.

Harry clears his throat as he steps back to give Louis space when in reality, that’s the last thing Louis wants. Harry would never touch Louis when he doesn’t want to be touched. He also would never pretend that things are okay between them when it’s clear they aren’t. Otherwise, Harry wouldn’t have left his tour to be here.

He lets out a shaky breath before stooping down next to his bags behind him and producing a small bouquet of roses. They’re Louis’ favorite. He usually only gets them for special occasions or as a peace offering after small fights, and he loves them. Today, they make his chest feel tight like a drum, because Harry is the last one who should be apologizing.

“Louis. Babe, about last night. I am so sorry I did that to you,” he begins, releasing another nervous breath when Louis places the flowers on the entryway table. Louis doesn’t have the right to do so, but he takes both of Harry’s hands in his. Afterall, after he says what he needs to say, he may not get the chance again.

“Thank you,” Louis tells him first and foremost because Harry didn’t have to bring flowers. He didn’t have to fly all the way here or apologize, and yet, he did. He did it because he loves Louis. Just like he always has. And because Harry loves him so much, Louis has to do the right thing and tell him the truth. No matter how painful it’s going to be. “Haz, I need to talk to you about something,” he forces himself to say.

He feels Harry’s hands tense in his grip, his whole body going stiff when he sees Louis can’t even meet his eyes. He looks terrified when Louis is finally able to look at him. Like he’s already expecting the worst.

“Baby, I know I fucked up. I fucked up really, really bad. But, I promise we can get through this like we always do. I know we can, so please,” he begs as if Louis is about to turn and walk right out of his life over a missed FaceTime date. He would never do that; walk away from the best thing that ever happened to him. “I need you, Louis. I love you.” Louis isn’t so sure Harry will feel the same once he tells him what he did.

“Haz, I’m not breaking up with you. You know I-I could never.” And Louis means that. No, their relationship isn’t perfect, and Louis complains about the imperfect parts of it from time to time, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t all in.

That seems to put Harry slightly at ease as he laughs at himself for assuming the worst. “Well, thank God,” he chuckles. “You had me worried for a second there.” The thing is, for the first time ever, he _should_ be worried, and Louis hates himself for it. “Love, whatever it is, you can tell me,” Harry encourages him, bringing Louis’ knuckles up to his mouth for a kiss and then frowning curiously when he notices the smeared ink of a club stamp on the back of his hand.

He doesn’t say anything, but his eyes are full of questions as he really looks at Louis for the first time since he walked in and he starts realizing something really isn’t right. Louis’ heart sinks when they lock gazes again and Harry’s eyes are filled with suspicion that’s completely valid after taking inventory of Louis’ disheveled appearance and the tears now welling up in his eyes.

“W-When I got home this morning and you weren’t here, I figured you had gone for a walk to think or you were with your mum, but... you’re just getting in, aren’t you?”

Louis can feel the first of many tears fall down his cheeks after forcing himself to nod his head yes.

Harry is back to looking terrified. Louis understands exactly how he feels because he’s scared too. “Lou... Babe, what exactly do you need to tell me?”

He needs to tell Harry so much he doesn’t know where to start, but he has to do it. He has to say the actual words. And so, he takes a deep breath, braces himself for the fallout, and admits to the man he loves that he has done the unthinkable.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

****

**_Seven Hours Before_ **

The midnight flight to London was the only one available until tomorrow morning. Harry couldn’t wait that long. He needed to be on the next plane out of New York City because he only has thirty-six hours to get home, apologize profusely to his boyfriend for him being a such a shitty partner lately, and get back in time before his next appearance in Toronto. Harry has made this trip in less time, so it’s not impossible. It just sucks that Harry isn’t flying home on better terms.

Whenever Harry is on the road for an extended amount of time, things can get pretty rough between him and Louis, but it has never been this bad. Lately, they hardly speak to each other and that is one hundred percent Harry’s fault. It’s not intentional of course. Harry would talk to Louis all day every day if he could, but his schedule won’t allow it. He had to cancel a full day of appearances just to be able to make this current flight, but Louis and their relationship is worth it.

When Harry decided to do the promo tour now, he only did so because he thought things would be okay. He thought their relationship could handle postponing their holiday since they’ve postponed it before. Clearly, this was one time too many and Louis is fed up with it. He is so fed up with Harry that he won’t even answer his calls anymore, and honestly, Louis can’t be blamed for feeling that way. Harry fucked up. Bad. He got his priorities mixed up and he didn’t stop to think about how that might affect the person he loves. Harry isn’t perfect so he makes mistakes; a lot of them. And even though he doesn’t always get it right, he knows they’ll be able to make up and move past this like they always do. Only, this time won’t be like the others. It will be different because Harry is offering more than an apology. He’s going to offer Louis a _lifetime_ of apologies, kisses, laughter, love, and all the things that make Harry want forever with him.

Harry unzips his duffle in the seat next to him, pulling out the little black box he’s been guarding like a hawk for the past six months. He never leaves it in the flat for long to keep Mr. Nosey from stumbling upon it and ruining the surprise. 

He had planned to propose over New Years, but then thought better of it and decided to wait until their holiday. Since that got pushed back, he had planned to propose whenever they reschedule. Now, that seems silly. Why wait to ask the love of his life to marry him? The timing is going to be perfect as long as they’re together.

And, no, putting a ring on Louis’ finger isn’t going to magically fix things between them. Louis is rightfully pissed at him, but it’s a start and the best way Harry can think of to prove to Louis he means more to him than any tour.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Things had seemed so simple on the plane. The thought of finally asking Louis to spend the rest of their lives together is what Harry held onto from the moment he landed until the moment Louis walked into their flat.

There were signs of something being wrong of course. It was a little odd to Harry that he still couldn’t get ahold of Sam after arriving in London even though he had been trying ever since New York. Before then, really. All of Harry’s calls and texts couldn’t have gone unnoticed over the past few weeks that their friendship has felt strained.

It was clear that Sam had been avoiding him, so Harry’s mother ended up coming to get him and driving him home. He thought it odd again when he arrived at an empty flat, but understandable. Louis often needs time to himself to think and cool down whenever they fight. However, he usually doesn’t completely cut communication with Harry while he does so. Harry hadn’t been able to get ahold of him either, but he didn’t think much of his boyfriend and his best friend being missing. Certainly not that they were together. Harry figured it was merely a coincidence.

What an incredibly stupid and naïve thing to convince himself of.

No matter how hard Harry tries he can’t look his boyfriend in the eye. Each time he does, his heart breaks all over again because he can see the pain etched across Louis’ face. It’s nothing compared to what Harry feels as his whole world collapses beneath him.

Harry swipes at the tears starting to blur his vision, refusing to accept that Louis could ever be so mad at him that he would go so far as to cheat. It’s not like him at all. Ever since Harry’s career started, people have used him and treated him like shit. People disappoint him every fucking day, but never Sam, and never _ever_ Louis. It feels impossible that two people he loves so much could hurt him this deeply. He doesn’t even recognize the person begging him to say something through broken sobs.

The longer Harry stands there, the sicker he feels. His skin burns where Louis’ hands had held his in an attempt to comfort and calm him. He doesn’t know why Louis would even try to defuse a situation like this where one of the only discernible emotions Harry can default to is blinding anger.

“How long?” Harry demands once he’s finally able to look his boyfriend in the face. “A year? Two years? Since we fucking met?” he bellows much louder than he even knew he was capable of. It causes a fresh wave of tears to flow down Louis’ cheeks. It kills Harry to see his boyfriend so upset, but he can’t help it. He wants answers and he wants them now. It’s the very least Louis could do.

“It was only once, Haz, I swear. Last night was it. I swear on my fucking life that I _have_ never and _will_ never do anything like this agai-”

“I don’t believe you,” Harry tells his boyfriend for the first time in their whole relationship. “How can I trust _anything_ you say to me anymore?!” He’s back to yelling again. He wishes he could talk to Louis normally, but he just can’t. He’s never been so furious with someone in his entire life.

“I’m telling you the truth,” Louis sobs. “I didn’t mean to sleep with him. I only wanted to have a fun night for a change, but it went too far and I am so, so sorry, Haz. If I could take it back I would. I know you’re mad, but _please_ , baby. Please?”

Louis reaches out for Harry’s hands but he snatches them away.

“I can’t trust you, Louis! I _don’t_ trust you!” Trust isn’t something that’s easily fixed once it’s gone. Harry wouldn’t even know where to start with forgiving him. “I don’t know how you can stand there begging me to look at you the same way when you never once mentioned anything about Sam! You’ve been lying to me this whole time!”

Louis kept it secret for a reason. Sam kept it secret too because they both knew it was wrong. They intentionally went behind his back and that just makes it worse. That right there is grounds for Harry to never speak to either of them again in his life, but Louis doesn’t seem too upset anymore. Ever since Harry called him a liar, he seems to have steeled himself over. Now, Louis looks almost as angry as Harry.

“ _I’m_ the liar?” Louis grits out.

“Well, I’m not the one who fucked someone else, so yeah. _You’re_ the liar,” Harry counters.

Louis’ eyes are brilliantly blue, red-rimmed, and condemning as ever as he stares daggers at Harry like he has any fucking right to be angry.

“Let me ask you a question, Harry,” he begins in a tone that says he knows something that Harry doesn’t. “Your original release date for your album... how many other artists from different labels had albums coming out that week?”

What the fuck his album has to do with Louis fucking his best friend is beyond him. Honestly, it’s just pissing Harry off more because he’s trying to change the subject. “Louis, _none_ of that fucking matters right now _._ ”

“Just answer the fucking question. How many other artists?”

Louis has no room to be making demands after what he has done, but Harry plays along. “I don’t fucking know.” Harry snaps back at him. “Two? Maybe three?”

He still has no idea what that has to do with their relationship, but after Louis’ follow-up question, he realizes he may have been involved in destroying it.

“For your new date, no one is releasing that week but you, right? Less competition means better sales even if you did have to fuck me over to get them,” he spits.

Harry’s stomach drops because he hadn’t looked at it that way when it went down. He didn’t view changing his release date and postponing their holiday as a _lie_ per se. It was just business, but he can definitely see why Louis would feel differently.

“I- I didn’t think you’d care,” Harry tries, but Louis calls him out on it almost immediately. 

“YES, YOU FUCKING DID! THAT’S WHY YOU LIED AND BLAMED IT ON YOUR LABEL!” Harry blinks back this time, not expecting all the anger currently being aimed at him.

Harry fucked up. He knows he did and clearly, Sam helped Louis realize it. But, in no way does Harry’s one lie about an album justify Louis cheating on him with his so-called best friend. 

“So, what?” Harry laughs humorlessly. “I hurt you, so you make sure to hurt me twice as good?” Are they twelve-year-olds or are they fucking adults? “I admit that I lied about the tour, but that doesn’t make it _even_.”

They both fucked up. They’re both wrong in lots of ways, but Harry can’t help feeling like one of them committed a much bigger sin, and it wasn’t him.

It’s the hardest thing Harry has ever done, shouldering his overnight bag and walking away from the person he worked so hard to get back to. That was the last thing Harry wanted, and yet, it’s what he has to do after their words run dry and they realize that there is no solution for two broken hearts.

For two years this flat with all their things, memories, and love has been Harry’s home; his refuge, but not anymore. When he boarded the plane here, he thought he’d be leaving again as an engaged man. Instead he’s leaving as something barely even alive. The only proof he has that he _is_ still alive is the stabbing pain in his chest when his guard finally lowers, the dam breaks, and he allows himself to feel as broken as he is.

**April 21 st – Day 41/42**

When Louis wakes up, he’s surprised to find that he doesn’t immediately want to go back to sleep. For the past three weeks Louis has been living on autopilot. He gets out of bed and goes to work because it’s expected, not because he wants to. He eats and answers texts from worried friends and family, but he’s not motivated to do any of it. He hasn’t been motivated to do anything since Harry left, but, today, Louis feels... okay, believe it or not. Maybe things are finally starting to turn around for him. Or, maybe he has grown so used to feeling miserable that it’s his new normal. Cheers.

He sits up in an empty bed in an empty flat once again, but it’s not as big of a blow as it used to be. Even without the breakup, or whatever they’re calling it, Harry still wouldn’t have been here. He came back to try and fix things halfway through his promo tour. Little did he know, Louis had already fucked things up beyond repair. Louis hasn’t seen him since that morning. He hasn’t heard from him at all, not that he blames Harry for going back to his tour and icing him out. Louis deserves it for what he did.

He deserves everything he gets and everything he no longer gets. Louis no longer gets to call him, or text him because Louis did the hurting and he has to own that. He doesn’t even reserve the right to keep up with what he’s doing online anymore because it’s none of his business. The least he can do is give Harry some privacy. Also, it would be too painful to see Harry out living his life without him. He couldn’t handle seeing the person he hurt so badly and knowing there’s nothing he can do to fix it.

All there is to do now is wait, though Louis’ not sure what exactly he’s waiting for. Harry’s tour ends tomorrow so he’ll be flying back soon. When he gets here, he probably doesn’t want to see Louis still staying in their shared flat that Harry owns. Louis assumes he’ll move out. It’s the only logical outcome besides the two of them working it out, and _that_ certainly isn’t happening. Harry doesn’t even want to speak to him let alone be with him still, but it is what it is. Louis made his bed and now he has to lie in it. Only it’ll have to be the bed at his mum’s house because he’s no longer welcome here.

Louis ducks his head as he leaves home, trying his best to ignore the couple of paps taking his picture. They’ve been outside the flat a lot. At first, Louis thought they were hoping to catch a glimpse of Harry after he fled his tour and flew home in the middle of the night. After a while, it became clear that the paps weren’t there to take pictures of Harry at home, but to highlight the fact that he _wasn’t_ at his home, indicating tension or a possible breakup between him and Louis. Or so he’s been told by friends and family still keeping up with the tabloids. Louis certainly doesn’t anymore. The only thing worse than reading about his own relationship going to shit via the internet is potentially stumbling across himself the night he went out with Sam. Louis hasn’t seen the pictures, but he knows they exist and he hates them. He doesn’t need the evidence of the worst mistake he’s ever made immortalized through pictures when living it was already bad enough.

Once he clears his street, there are no more paps to avoid so Louis lowers his hoodie and raises his head for the rest of the way to work. Louis has never appreciated his job more than he has over the past three weeks because it keeps him busy and it gives him something to do besides sitting around moping. At work he has tasks to fulfil and although most are pretty mindless, they leave less room in his head for missing the person he just can’t make him himself let go of. Not yet.

Around lunchtime, Louis’ boss needs a caffeine boost so she sends Louis out for her regular. The usual coffeeshop Louis would venture to is the one where he met Harry, so for obvious reasons, Louis avoids it like the plague. He can’t take the memories and the stupid, hopeful feeling he gets every time he sees a tall person with dark hair inside.

To remedy him imagining Harry buying coffee at the same time as him, Louis has started going to other places for his boss’ café mochas. So far, he has tried out half a dozen coffee shops that have absolutely nothing to do with Harry Styles. So, imagine Louis’ pure shock and astonishment when he walks into a new shop and sees a familiar, and highly missed, face staring back at him.

Harry looks just as surprised to see Louis if not more, even though Harry is the one who is the least likely to be in a random coffee shop in London. He should be finishing up the last leg of his tour. He shouldn’t even be in the country, and yet here he is looking as beautiful as ever holding a fresh latte in his hand.

It’s so quiet between them that Louis can hear his own heart thudding in his ears. He has half a mind to turn around and run back the way he came, but he doesn’t leave; mostly in part to the very small, but very real grin pulling at Harry’s lips.

“Hi, Louis.”

This doesn’t feel real. It makes no sense for Harry to be here. Louis knew they’d have to see each other again despite what happened. They share a flat for fuck’s sake. He just didn’t think they’d have to face each other today.

“What are you doing here?” Louis blurts out instead of a greeting. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes once he realizes that was kind of rude. “N-Not that you _shouldn’t_ be here, or that you _can’t_ , I just... how are you here right now? I thought with the tour, you’d be gone longer.”

“Yeah, I guess I should’ve been,” Harry shrugs after a while. “But, uh. I didn’t go back so, you know. Here I am.”

Harry tries chuckling a bit to lighten the mood and get Louis to stop staring at him like he’s some sort of mirage.

“You’ve been here the whole time?” Louis asks, his head spinning with a million different questions. For weeks Louis has been wishing Harry were here so he can apologize to him again for what a fucking mess he caused. That’s what he has been waiting for all this time, and it turns out he never even left. “Why?” he blurts this time. “What about your tour?”

Harry shrugs again like it’s nothing, but Louis knows better. Harry loves his job; the good and the bad. He works hard and so do the people around him, so he would never just quit in the middle of a tour. A breakup seems like a pretty good reason for blowing it off. Louis just assumed Harry would want to be as far away from him as possible.

“I didn’t feel like smiling in front of all the cameras I guess,” he quietly admits after a long pause. “Didn’t feel like doing much of anything really.”

That stings more that Louis ever thought it could because Louis is to blame for Harry feeling that way. “I am so sorry, Haz. Truly. I know I keep saying it, but I really mean it.” It’s not a good feeling having to apologize for something so awful. Louis feels terrible all over again. However, it seems Harry isn’t harboring as much of a grudge as Louis anticipated.

“I know you mean it,” Harry tells him. “I believe you’re sorry, and I accept your apology.”

“Y-You do?” That’s more than Louis ever hoped for. He figured he’d spend the rest of his life trying to get Harry to say those words. Getting his apology accepted doesn’t mean he’s forgiven of course. However, it feels like a step in the right direction. “Thank you,” he grins, feeling like a fucking mountain has been lifted from his shoulders. However, that has nothing to with the mountain of guilt still weighing on his chest.

They’re back to silence, but it’s lighter this time so Louis doesn’t feel quite so awkward standing across from him.

“So, um... Where have you been staying then?” He certainly hasn’t been home.

“I was at a hotel for a bit,” Harry reveals. “But, that got depressing after a couple of days so I went to my mum’s instead.”

“Oh.” His mum. The woman who considers Louis family and who surely knows by now that he did the one thing he swore to her that he would never do; hurt her son. “So...” Louis chuckles humorlessly. “How much does she hate me now?”

“Mmm. Not as much as she still loves you,” Harry teases back.

That’s bullshit. If Louis knows Anne the way he thinks he does, she’s probably somewhere plotting his murder. But, it makes him feel better to know that she wouldn’t go through with the plot. Probably.

“Well, I’m glad someone still does,” Louis says to keep the banter rolling, his heart skipping a beat when Harry neither confirms or denies, just grins down at the floor. It’s worlds away from the banter they’re used to, but it’s enough to give Louis a tiny ember of hope that maybe one day, Harry could find it in his big heart to forgive him.

Louis doesn’t know what to say after that from fear of ruining the moment. He doesn’t want Harry to stop looking at him like that night with Sam never happened. But, it did happen. They aren’t okay right now. Sadly, they’re not even together, so that means they can’t ignore the situation no matter how much Louis wishes they could.

“I can be out of the flat in a couple of days,” he finally says once he gathers the courage. “I was planning to do it anyway before you got home, but-”

“Why would you do that?” Harry frowns as if it’s insane for Louis to stay anywhere else. Louis blinks at the question, unsure of how he’s supposed to answer.

“I-It’s your flat.”

“No, it’s our flat,” Harry corrects him. “You have as much right to stay there as I do. And, I’m more than fine at my mum’s. You don’t need to go. Stay as long as you need.”

This is a turn of events Louis never saw coming, but he can’t pretend he isn’t happy to hear that he isn’t being kicked out on his arse.

“Are you sure?” he checks. “I wouldn’t blame you for wanting your space back.”

“Eh. It’s overrated,” Harry says with a little shrug before heading for the door. “And anyway,” he calls over his shoulder. “If you leave, who’s going to water the plants?”

The same person who waters them now. _Nobody_. They both manage to kill anything green within days which would be tragic if it weren’t so hilarious. Smiling to himself, Louis is just about to remind Harry of their history of withered, brown failures. Harry is already out the door before he can. And, it would be disappointing to see him go so soon if not for the tingly warm feeling in Louis’ chest left behind in his wake.

When Louis gets home that evening, he’s still floating a bit from having his first encounter since ‘the fight’ ending not as horribly as he envisioned it would. Louis would daresay it went _well,_ which is shocking considering the state they were in three weeks ago.

The surprises keep coming as Louis orders out for something to eat and rather than a confirmation message from the Indian place around the corner, he gets a message from Harry.

‘ _I meant what I said earlier today. That flat is your home. I don’t want you to leave it. I’m glad we bumped into each other today, Lou._ ’

That makes two of them. It was the chance meeting Louis didn’t know he needed just like the first time they met.

_‘I know things are weird right now,’ Harry continues. ‘I don’t really know what I’m doing or how we’re supposed to do this, but I feel like we’re at least still friends at the end of the day.’_

Friends is good. For weeks Louis has assumed Harry hated his guts, friends sounds pretty fucking amazing to him.

‘ _At the end of the day, I think we’re friends too,’_ Louis begins typing back. However, before he can hit send, he receives another text that makes him instantly doubt everything that has happened in the past three minutes.

‘ _You look really good, by the way_. _You know, friend to friend’_

That... is definitely not how friends speak to each other. The butterflies he feels reading Harry’s cheeky text aren’t very friendly in nature either, but oddly enough, that’s just fine with him. He’ll take warm and fuzzy butterflies over crippling guilt any day.

*

**_One Week Later_ **

Unfortunately, there is no rule book for Louis’ situation; a classic case of cheater-drunkenly-sleeps-with-the-boyfriend’s-best-mate-and-manages-to-work-his-way-back-up-to-friends.

There is no right way to befriend an ex, he supposes. That’s probably why not many people do it. It is probably complicated enough for a couple to work their way back from hatred or resentment or whatever caused the breakup in the first place. Louis thinks he and Harry may have it twice as hard because they never hated each other. Not even on the night they were at each other’s throats over the lies that tore them apart. How does someone pretend to feel less than they actually do for someone in the name of reconciliation? Louis has no idea.

The tricky thing is they’re still so obviously in love with one another. They never fell out of it. They just lost their way for a bit, but if they can agree to be friends for the sake of their relationship, then maybe they can agree to really give this a shot again someday. Only time will tell.

It takes Louis most of the day to get up the nerve to text Harry, but he doesn’t know why. They were more than civil in the coffee shop. Harry even extended an olive branch and texted him that same day, so essentially, Louis is free to do the same. He’s just nervous as hell about it.

He takes a deep breath before finally picking up his phone that he has been staring at for the past half an hour. He must type and delete something a dozen times before finally deciding on a text he feels okay sending to Harry. In the end, he goes for something light and kind of funny so that in case Harry _doesn’t_ want to hear from him, he can’t be too mad about it.

‘ _In case you were wondering, I’ve gotten much better at cooking,_ ’ Louis sends along with a picture of the burned toast he forgot to toss into the bin this morning.

His stomach is in knots the moment he hits send. Waiting to see if and when he’s going to get a reply is too much, so he starts tidying up the kitchen to distract himself. Not that it works because Louis still glances over at his phone every thirty seconds. He is in the middle of washing his breakfast dishes when his phone vibrates on the island and Louis nearly snaps his neck trying to run over to it.

There’s no guarantee that it’s Harry texting him back, he realizes. It could be Harry just as easily as it could be his mother, Liam, or Niall checking in on him. Thankfully, it’s the person he is expecting when he finally looks at his phone, and the reply he receives isn’t short, angry, or annoyed. It’s actually pretty hilarious.

_‘God, that’s beautiful. I love how you took extra care to make sure the whole side turned black this time; an artist.’_

Louis has been burning toast forever and Harry has always found that hilarious because Louis can manage cooking other things. It’s nice to know that even in the midst of them being apart, that they can still joke about the same things.

‘ _I try my best_ ,’ Louis texts back. He is so relieved to know that they at least still have this part of their relationship that it gives him courage to try and recover another part. _‘How are you? Really?’_

The wait Louis endures is agonizing because it’s just so hard not knowing where they stand with each other. They certainly aren’t back to normal. Louis isn’t sure if they’ll ever get back there, but he has hope, and that hope sprouts new leaves when Harry answers him back with, ‘ _I’m okay. Much better_ _now_ ’.

That makes two of them.

*

It’s a couple of weeks later on a Saturday when an unexpected text from Harry stops him from eating cereal where he’s relaxing on the sofa.

‘ _Morning! I need my other writing journal so I’m going to stop by the flat. Just giving you a quick heads up._ ’

A quick heads up? His ex is on his way here and Louis is sat here watching true crime, unshowered, unshaven, and in his boxer briefs. He’s going to need more than just a quick heads up if he’s going to make himself appear less pathetic than he obviously is.

‘ _How long until you’re here?_ ’ he checks, shooting up from the sofa to when Harry texts back that he’s about ten minutes away.

“ _Fuck me_ ,” Louis hisses under his breath as he shoves his unfinished cereal into the fridge along with any takeaway boxes that happen to be lying around. He doesn’t have time to tidy the living room so everything that’s out of place gets hidden behind the sofa. For the remainder of his very limited time that’s left, Louis focuses on himself by brushing his teeth, throwing on a clean t-shirt and a pair of joggers, and trying his best to tame his bedhead hair.

By the time he’s done, exactly ten minutes have passed. And, true to his word, Harry walks through the door just seconds later. Louis can’t remember the last time he was this nervous. Probably never, but Louis does his best to play it cool, pasting a casual and unbothered grin on his face. At least that’s the type of grin he was trying for. In reality, he probably looks like an anxious mess in mismatched socks.

This random visit from his ex-boyfriend that he’s still in love with has caught Louis off guard, so naturally he looks half-deranged right now. Harry, however, is not having the same problem. Because unlike Louis who simply rolled out of bed and onto the sofa this morning, Harry looks like he was just plucked straight from a runway and planted in their living room. His silky, black top is buttoned just a few centimeters above his navel to reveal the cross necklace and slivers of the tattoos that lie underneath. The cream slacks he is wearing are wide everywhere except where they’re hugging his bum and they match his shoes perfectly. His hair has gotten long in the weeks since he first left for tour, so his curls are a bit disheveled, but it just comes off as cool effortlessness. Just like the stubble that he could’ve shaved, but strategically left along his jawline instead.

It is completely unfair for him to look this good just to come pick up a fucking journal. Especially when Louis isn’t allowed to do anything about it anymore. Whenever Harry tried to leave the house wearing things like this in the past, he was late to wherever he was going and wound up smelling like sex underneath his cologne. Louis would practically beg for it. Now, it’s just torture for him. But, then again, maybe that was the point.

“Hi. Sorry if I’m interrupting anything,” Harry says with an unassuming grin that doesn’t look evil or malicious, but it’s hard to tell when his dimples give his face so much innocence.

Louis swallows down the very powerful urge to both kiss and strangle Harry. “Uh, no. Not at all,” he answers with an equally kind grin.

“Oh, well, good,” his so-called _friend_ nods, his green eyes betraying him for a moment when they give Louis a quick once over. “Well, uh, I won’t stay long. I just need-”

“Your journal, right?” Louis finishes for him.

“And a few other things,” Harry adds before giving Louis another kind grin and heading for their bedroom.

He’s left standing alone awkwardly, wondering if he should follow Harry or just stay put. Harry is a grown man so it’s not like he needs any help collecting his stuff. And yet Louis wanders to their bedroom to ask if he needs some anyway.

“Finding everything you need?” he asks from the doorway, his gaze zeroing in on the journal he said he wanted, but also the small overnight bag lying open on the bed.

“Yep,” Harry chirps as he locates a few pairs of swim shorts from the wardrobe. He drops them into the bag along with some sunshades piquing Louis’ interest. Where is he running off to?

“Headed somewhere sunny?” Louis asks as casually as possible. His stomach sinks a bit when Harry nods.

“Yep. With a friend,” he smiles over his shoulder, effectively sinking Louis’ stomach further because Harry has lots of friends, but only one that he would go away with to write and lie in the sun.

This whole time, Louis just assumed, Harry and Sam were no longer friends. It seemed like the only logical conclusion after Sam tried stealing his boyfriend, and to Louis’ disgust, somewhat succeeded in that plan. Louis guesses there’s always the small chance that Harry didn’t drop him; that he and Sam somehow worked it out despite everything. After all, Harry didn’t completely drop Louis.

Louis has zero right to ask anything of Harry but the thought of him and the person he cheated with chatting it up on a beach makes his stomach turn. He’s sick just imagining it.

“Is it... I mean, the person you’re going with... the friend...”

There must be something in Louis’ voice that doesn’t sound right because Harry immediately stops packing his bag to face him.

“It’s not him, Lou,” he whispers, causing Louis to release the breath he was holding.

Louis feels so fucking relieved that he has to sit down after that. He takes a seat on the side of the bed and closes his eyes to ground himself from the spiral he nearly went down. When he opens them, Harry is standing before him no longer looking so cool and unbothered by all of this. Actually, he looks really concerned.

“Are you alright?” Harry asks. Louis nods at his knees, gasping when a familiar hand reaches out to gently lift Louis’ chin. “You’re not alright,” he determines from just a couple of seconds of looking into Louis’ eyes. “Sam was never my friend, Lou. I thought he was until...”

Until Louis fell into his trap and hurt the person who cared for him the most; the person who clearly, still cares for Louis.

“I know I keep saying it and you’re probably sick of hearing it, but I am so sorry, Haz,” he sniffs and Harry catches a few stray tears with his thumb. “I haven’t spoken to him,” he swears. “Not since that morning.” That doesn’t make it right, but he needs Harry to know that something like this will never happen again because it can’t. “Sam and I were never friends either and I knew that. I let it happen anyway and I am so, so sorry.”

Louis is fully crying now. So much so that Harry stops trying to wipe his cheeks and holds Louis close to him instead. “I’ve got you,” Harry promises as his arms wrap even tighter around Louis’ shoulders.

It has been so long since Harry held him that it makes Louis cry harder, but it’s the best sort of release. Louis has no idea how long he sits there unloading everything he has felt over the past month onto Harry’s shirt, but once he’s finished, he feels like he is finally able to breathe again.

With both of them free of Sam, it feels like the wedge between them has been removed. However, it also gives them both a false sense of resolution because when Harry pulls back to look at him, Louis doesn’t feel the guilt or remorse which have become constants for him. He just feels love and another big wave of release when Harry’s large hands grab him by the face and he crashes their lips together.

Louis missed him so much that as of this moment, the days and weeks they went without each other don’t matter. Right away, Louis finds himself scooting back onto the bed to make room for Harry to crawl over top of him and pin him to the mattress.

He is so hard against Harry that he is in physical pain. It has been so long. Much longer than the original six weeks of tour he had anticipated. Now, all he wants is for Harry to fuck him. His heart races when Harry starts grinding his hips against Louis’ and he realizes he’s about to get exactly what he wants. He’s on pins and needles just thinking about it. He could cry picturing how amazing it’s going to be having Harry inside him again. And it all comes to a screeching, soul-crushing halt when Harry stops biting at his earlobe to ask if they need a condom.

Louis thought it was pretty awful waking up next to Sam that morning. He thought it was even worse admitting to Harry that he did so. After those two tragic situations, Louis figured he couldn’t feel any lower. Fuck, was he just proved wrong.

Harry can probably see the embarrassment in his eyes because he immediately tries to fix it. “I’m sorry,” he says, closing his eyes and releasing a sigh when he realizes Louis has gone completely still and quiet beneath him. “Babe, I promise I’m not asking to be mean or cruel. It’s just- We never really talked about you and Sam in detail, so-”

“No, I get it,” Louis tells him. “You’re totally right to ask me that,” he admits feeling his cheeks getting hotter by the second because they don’t need a condom, but Louis feels sick that Harry even had to ask. Louis swallows down the shame and guilt to sit up and fix his clothes. If he could, he would sink straight through the mattress and the floor from humiliation, but he can’t.

Instead, he forces himself to be an adult about this and communicate with Harry because talking is the only way they can ever move past this. Assuming that they ever will.

“We were safe that night,” Louis reveals once they’ve both had time to collect themselves and realize having sex probably isn’t the best thing for them right now. It sucks, but it’s the truth and they both know it. “I’ll still get tested again if you want.”

Louis assumes Harry would want that just for his own piece of mind. He is surprised though when Harry takes Louis’ hand in his and gives it a sure squeeze.

“No,” he whispers. “I trust you.”

Harry has no reason to believe anything Louis says. Louis can’t imagine why he would, but his continued trust in Louis despite what he did makes him feel like maybe he isn’t a monster. “Thank you.”

They sit in silence for a long time, but Louis actually feels okay about it. Sex isn’t a magical bandage that’s going to fix everything. Now that Louis is thinking more clearly, he wants to wait. He wants to rebuild all of Harry’s trust in him before they try this again, no matter how long it takes.

“Friends?” Louis grins as he extends an outstretched hand towards Harry. His stomach erupts with butterflies when Harry holds his hand instead of shaking it.

“Friends,” he grins back in agreement. “For now.”

*

For the next couple of weeks, the words ‘ _for now’_ linger in Louis’ mind no matter how hard he tries not to focus on them. They meant so much without Harry having to explain a thing; mostly that he’s been holding out hope just as much as Louis.

More surprising to Louis than Harry’ willingness to make this work again, is the fact that Harry is still here at all. After his promo tour ended, he was set to start preparing for the album release, and then promo and rehearsals for his upcoming world tour. The whole point of him bailing on their holiday was to get his album out as fast as possible, but it has been over a month since he returned and Louis hasn’t heard a peep about it. Besides a beach day with Nick, he hasn’t gone anywhere. He’s still staying with his mother and generally just hanging out which is unexpected to say the least. But, Louis certainly isn’t going to complain because with all his newfound downtime, Harry has been making sure to reserve some of it for Louis.

They talk nearly every day now whether it be via texting, phone call, or even in-person on a couple of occasions where the weather was too beautiful to resist a walk around the park together.

It’s a day just like that when their friendship rises to a new level by Harry inviting him to go get ice cream.

Louis isn’t particularly nervous when he leaves home to go meet him that afternoon, but he is pretty excited to spend more time with Harry. He no longer feels guilt-induced anxiety and panic whenever they’re together, which he takes as a good sign. They are making real progress with each other, which becomes even more evident when they both arrive at the ice cream shop and greet each other with tight hugs.

Being in Harry’s arms even just for a few seconds feels amazing. Louis’ mood is instantly boosted just smelling his cologne and seeing him smile so wide.

“I already know what I want to order. I’ve been fantasizing the whole way here,” Harry announces after they separate.

“Oh, yeah?” Louis chuckles. “Let me guess. Either a double scoop of strawberry, or a double scoop of chocolate chip mint?” Knowing Harry, he’ll say he wants strawberry but wind up going for the chocolate chips in the end.

Harry bites down on a stubborn grin because he’s predictable as fuck when it comes to sweets and nobody knows that better than Louis. “Shut up.”

Inside the shop, Harry does exactly what Louis expected and eats a double cone of chocolate chip mint while Louis goes for mango. It’s fun sitting down and catching up, and just being pulled in Harry’s orbit. He gets to hear about everything Harry has been up to, including the story from months ago about the koala shitting on him in Australia. Louis’ wet dream featuring Harry and the Hemsworths is probably a good story to tell, but for the sake of their ‘friendship’, he decides to keep that one to himself. At least for now anyway.

The two hours they spend in that ice cream shop feel like two minutes. The time passes so quickly that Louis is disappointed when they finally decide to leave. However, Louis’ spirits are raised again when Harry decides to keep their little ice cream date going by walking him home. This way, Louis gets at least another twenty minutes with Harry, and that is if they rush. But, it feels less like a victory halfway through the trip when Harry suddenly goes quiet and stops them in the middle of the pavement.

He no longer looks happy and cheerful like he did in the ice cream shop. His eyes are serious now; curious and aimed right at Louis.

“Why did you do it?” Harry asks and although he doesn’t specify what he means, Louis knows precisely what he’s referring to. It’s the part of the conversation they were too angry to have that morning he flew back and too wary to have ever since. He guesses now is as good of a time as ever to face it.

“I wish I hadn’t,” Louis tells him because it’s true. He would give anything to take back how much he hurt his best friend in the whole world.

“I know. But, you did. Why?” Harry asks pretty calmly considering. He isn’t trying to hurt Louis or get even by making him feel like shit. More than anything, he seems to just want answers that he deserves to have. “Were you really that drunk?”

He was drunk, but in the end, that wasn’t why he did it.

“I wasn’t at all sober,” Louis begins because that’s not an excuse for what he did. “I was drunk, but I was also desperate. I wanted to feel something besides anger at you; _myself_ even. I went out with Sam that night because I was hurting, but I didn’t mean for it to go that far.” He didn’t know Sam wasn’t on their side. If he had known, he wouldn’t have made the choices that he did that night.

They fall back into silence as Harry stares at Louis with an emotion somewhere between skepticism and acceptance.

“Everything I’ve told you is the truth. I didn’t enjoy being with him. Even if you manage to forgive me, I’ll never forgive myself, and it’ll never happen again.”

Harry shakes his head with a long, weary sigh. “You say that, but how can I know that for sure?”

“You can’t,” Louis shrugs. “I know it’s a lot to ask, but you’ll just have to trust me. Like before.” It seems impossible to do, but maybe it isn’t.

“I want to,” Harry assures him. “You never gave me a reason to distrust you before. That’s why it hurt so fucking much.”

And that’s the hardest part of this whole thing. Louis never would’ve imagined he was capable of doing something so hurtful. He doesn’t get to be offended by Harry now viewing him differently. People don’t generally run back up to the thing that bit them and expect a different outcome.

“Frankly, I deserve to be alone, so I don’t want to beg you to take me back.”

“But, I _want_ you back. I love you,” Harry admits, taking both of Louis’ hands in his and sending Louis’ heart racing. “I just don’t want you to hurt me again.”

That’s the last thing Louis wants too. And, whenever Harry is ready to let him in again, he plans to do everything in his power to make sure he never causes another person pain like this.

*

It’s a Thursday morning when Louis gets a phone call from Harry to say he’s coming over to talk about something important. Louis had been in the middle of getting ready for a typical day at work, but after hearing the serious tone of Harry’s voice, he’s scared shitless.

It’s weird that he called to say he’s coming over instead of just texting it like usual. That little aspect makes this feel different than all the other times Harry has popped over for a quick visit. It makes Louis feel like whatever they’re going to talk about is something so bad that he couldn’t tell him over the phone.

His head is spinning over what it could be. Maybe he wants Louis out of the flat after all. Maybe he’s leaving again and he’d rather just be single than do whatever it is they’ve been doing for nearly two months. It could be that he decided to get even and slept with someone just to even the score. Or worse, he may have fallen in love with someone else.

Louis is a fucking mess waiting for Harry to arrive and drop whatever bomb is waiting. He nearly paces a hole in the floor trying to prepare himself for whatever it might be so that he’s shaking by the time Harry actually gets there. However, when Harry walks through the door Louis realizes he isn’t the only one freaking out because Harry looks more nervous than Louis has ever seen him.

It wasn’t what Louis was expecting. He thought there would be yelling. He thought there would be tears and snide remarks. Instead, there’s just Harry standing in their flat with something square and black half-hidden in his left hand.

He thinks he knows what it is, but it makes no sense for Harry to be carrying a ring box around. Unless...

For several minutes they both just stare at each other from across the room. They are hardly even breathing when Harry dares move away from the door. He takes a seat on the sofa, his left hand still partially eclipsing the box he is holding when he gestures for Louis to come join him.

At first, Louis can’t make his legs work. He’s too on edge; terrified of whatever the hell is about to happen. Eventually, he forces himself to walk over to where Harry is, his heart thudding in his ears as he sits down next to him. His hands are taken by one of Harry’s, and the way his sure green eyes are piercing Louis’ makes his stomach turn cartwheels.

“I knew I was falling in love with you the moment we met. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you,” Harry begins, and already Louis’ throat is burning with tears because Louis knew then too. That’s not what is making him cry though. It’s the fact that everything Harry just said was in past tense.

Louis has done everything he knows how to do to prove to Harry that despite what he did, he’s all in. They gave it time and space. They reconnected and reconciled. Louis has apologized so many times he has lost count, and it still wasn’t enough. Or, perhaps it was because when Harry opens his mouth again, it’s not to tell him that it’s over. He says the complete opposite.

“I still love you more than I will ever love anyone else, Lou. I still want to spend the rest of my life with you. That’s why I bought this nearly a year ago,” he says, uncurling his hand around the ring box he tried to hide. “I was waiting for the perfect moment to ask you to marry me. I thought our holiday would be a good time to ask, but I fucked that up. I lied to you and I hurt you and then you hurt me. We hurt each other and we were both wrong, and I want to marry you even more now because if we’re strong enough to get through that, we can make it through anything.”

Louis agrees. Never in a million years would he have imagined a world where Harry could still look at him like the sun even after getting burned. He made a mistake and Harry still loves him. He proved that he can be a selfish, imperfect asshole sometimes and Harry still loves him. Louis would be a fucking idiot not to marry someone who loves him better than he loves himself.

He’s just about to tell Harry that, but Louis goes quiet when he notices the heaviness in his eyes as Harry places the unopened box on the coffee table rather than placing the ring on his finger.

“This ring belongs to you and I would be honored for you to accept it. But, before you give me an answer, could you take some time and think about it? Please? I just want you to be sure about choosing me and what it means, because it’s not always going to be easy. My world isn’t easy, and I want you to be sure.”

Louis thinks his ears must be playing tricks on him. This sounds like a proposal. It feels like a proposal and Harry stuck around London to make it. And yet, Louis isn’t currently getting engaged to the love of his life. He doesn’t need to think about it. It’s not a hard decision to make. It’s either Harry forever, or not at all. He’d choose forever every time, but he can see how much this means to Harry. He can also understand why Harry is asking him to do this, and so, he agrees to wait.

Watching Harry walk out of their flat is almost as difficult as when he left the morning of their fight. Louis had every intention of going to work after he left, but there’s no way in hell he’d be able to focus there. He can hardly even focus here after opening his ring box and seeing the beautiful, diamond band staring up at him. 

Seeing that, there isn’t much to think about. Yes, Louis knows being with Harry comes with its own set of challenges simply because of his job. It comes with tours and different time zones and nights where Louis would give anything just to fall asleep next to him. All of that sucks. Louis can’t pretend that it doesn’t. However, being with Harry also means being the luckiest person in the universe because Harry loves harder than anyone Louis has ever met. It means spending a lifetime with his best friend and knowing that no matter where he is, he loves and misses Louis too. It means they chose each other and beat the odds and that they’re willing to keep doing that forever. It is going be hard to remember those things sometimes. They’ll still fight and argue sometimes, but they will also make up. And regardless of whichever it is on any given day, they’ll love each other. So again, there isn’t much to think about.

Louis has only been alone in the flat for a couple of minutes. Not even long enough for Harry to get through the building and down to his car, so Louis takes off after him. He races down the stairs and out the door at full speed, nearly bowling Harry over when they crash into each other.

“Lou, what the hell?” At first Harry looks so confused to see Louis there and almost knocking him to the ground. Harry checks him over to make sure him and his bare feet are okay as they both straighten up, freezing when he sees the sparkly piece of jewelry nestled perfectly on his ring finger. 

“It’s only been about two minutes since I gave you that,” Harry laughs, not even bothering to wipe at the tears pooling in his eyes.

“I know,” Louis smiles. “Half that time was spent running down here to catch you.”

Louis can feel Harry’s tears on his cheeks when he surges forward to kiss him. His answer is yes. It was always going to be yes. And now, they get to make good on that promise of spending the rest of their lives together, no matter what.

\---

**One Month Later**

The view of the small islands peppered along the ocean outside the small circular window of their plane is nice, though Harry finds the view of his fiancé sleeping against it to be more beautiful. He is a little biased of course, but that’s to be expected loving someone as much as he loves Louis.

Over the pa system, the pilot announces that they’ll be landing soon and all the nappers in the cabin begin to stir minus the one next to Harry. Louis could sleep through anything, probably even a landing, so Harry does the honors by tickling the tip of Louis’ nose and watching it scrunch up.

“I’m drowning you when we land. No one will miss you.”

An empty threat. Harry is assured of it when Louis opens his eyes and the first thing he does is lean over to kiss Harry hello. He does that often these days. After going so long without kissing each other during their break, Harry can understand why. They are kinder and more appreciative of one another in general ever since they got engaged. That’s the whole reason they’re finally taking this trip together. It is long overdue and they both deserve some time away from the rest of the world.

“Are you excited?” Louis beams after a quick glance out the window to see their island coming closer into view.

“To lie on a beach with you for two weeks while you tan in half the amount of time as regular humans? Oh. I’m thrilled,” Harry teases.

“The palest people are always the most jealous,” Louis retorts, yelping when Harry pokes him in the ribs. “I’m joking. I love your pale skin,” he laughs. “I’m marrying you, aren’t I?”

No matter how many times Harry hears it, he still can’t believe he gets Louis for life. They’ve certainly had their ups and their downs as all couples do, but he would take that over the alternative, which is never knowing Louis at all.

He can’t wait to marry him, be a family with him, be old with him, and just see what a lifetime brings. They both just have to trust that they’ll get there in the end.

\---

The End


End file.
